The night is dark in the village. When I say dark, I mean pitch black; the darkness seems to engulf you, slowly, taking its time, relishing every single moment while it blankets you. Even when you are indoors, the LED lights feel low on the eyes, so low that your eyes struggle to focus. Maybe it’s the damned Palli Bidyut with its shady supplies of electricity in the rural areas, or maybe it’s the darkness, seeping into the room through the cracks between the walls and the tin roof. There is no fighting it, this darkness, you slowly give up and the lack of light eats your soul bit by bit.

The days are the opposite. The sun pours gallons of golden rays over the vast landscape, so much so that even the soothing rice fields seem to shoot thousands of tiny needles straight into your eyes. There is no solace in the shade of the trees, you sit stupefied with your heart full of darkness you can’t wipe off, your eyes burning and full of tears.

I have begun writing this journal as an inquiry. I want to see if this can bring some life back into me. Even as I am writing this, I feel like quitting. What’s the point of it all? It was a poem I read when I was very young, in my first year of the university, eyes sparkling, thinking I knew everything, thinking I was a nihilist. I wish I could tell that young me now how ridiculous she was, she knew nothing about nihilism. It is not until you accept defeat that you can ever know what emptiness means in its true form.

 

Mid-year resolution for next month:

Finish all pending work, so that all the waiting-to-be-read books get their deserved attention.

new year, new ear.

the world is a fascinating place. as much as i hate to be in it, i have to admit this is a place full of surprises. so many multifaceted characters around, how can anybody get bored, ever! in fact, this world is like the greatest epic ever created, with uncountable characters each with multiple personalities. then why, why do i feel weird to be here? why am i always looking for boredom in a world full of 'interesting-ness'! 

another year is here. last year was important for me in many ways. it was a year of self-unemployed status. i am still trying to make ends meet, but i am definitely enjoying not going to office. i hate going to office, office means dealing with people. i do not like dealing with people. full stop to that. 2013 was also the year of my settling down, yes, once again, but this after a very turbulant relationship with a person who has changed my perspective about people in many ways, mostly in bad ways. i was hurt in ways i cannot even explain to my closest friend. settling down was not easy, i love the person i'm with now, but i still feel the worst experience of my life haunting me now and then. and of course it doesn't get easier when you see your friends getting friendly with the person who've hurt you the most. well, as i wrote it down, it means it's bothering me. and if it's bothering me then of course it's my problem. and like the rest of the world, i'm trying to deal with my problem. all the time.

last year was also the year when i let go of the friendship that i cherished the most. i'm good at letting go. i let go of my family, partners, friends. i am a difficult person, even i have trouble understanding me. but ironically, i do not like multifaceted personalities. they amaze me, i feel like i'm caught in a whirlwind, trying my best to understand the why and what of it, but never ever getting it, then being on a guilt trip for not understanding a friend - the whole process leaves me drained. i do not want to look good, i do not want to talk intelligent, i do not want to have many friends - all i ever wanted from this life was to be comfortable with whoever i am, or whichever situation i'm in. when friendship with someone stops being comfortable is there any reason to keep it? so i let go. but isn't letting go supposed to make you feel calm and peaceful? why don't i feel calm and peaceful then? where's my peace? argh!

i think i need to organize myself a little. 'look for the peace within yourself' - that's what they say, right? i need to dive within myself. communicate less, think more. talk less, listen more. that's what i did 3 years back, and i was kind of at peace with myself. and i will try to bring that peace back. in myself. fingers crossed, welcome 2014!

words said. texts delivered. never, ever can that be mended. things will just not be the same anymore. immediate reaction to something is one thing. accusing somebody in general of their character is another. it should never, ever be done. especially among friends. with shaking hands i typed a reply, huge reply, filled with the anger, shame, humiliation that i felt. but couldn't bring myself to send it. if i did send it, i would've suffered from regret, the regret of hurting someone dear to me deeply. instead, i'm drowning in the sadness that i felt when i saw those words. written by a person whose friendship i cherish.

i am not a good person. i have uncountable shortcomings in me. i despise myself for that. but still, when someone comes and tells me that to my face, it hurts. it hurts even if it comes from a stranger. and it hurts most when it comes from a friend. a close friend. a best friend. may be i am over sensitive. which can be another dislikable trait in my character. hating myself is not enough these days. i feel insecured when people like me. because i know they will be disappointed. i'm an insignificant insect that doesn't have wings. one that is easily squishable under your heels. that's what i am.

jibberish

dealing with immature people is one thing that leaves you drained. they will always victimize themselves, always speaking to you defensively, so you are forced to be the evil, offensive one...even if you don't mean to be. i am glad that i am learning to avoid them as much as i can. they just add discomfort, nothing else. shoo! shoo! - to all discomfort creating elements!

ok, i was busy with a translation project which ended (thank god!) the day before yesterday. now i am happy again! my fingers hurt with too much guitar practice, although the progress seems too low. but i'm keeping my morales high and sticking to everyday practice. a realization should be noted here. you need to show off whatever you're doing. this is a very cynical world. if you don't show off, nobody will for a moment believe that you're any good. i'm the most cynical person i know, but i think my surroundings will beat me to it anytime.

sharm has moved to dhaka for good. it feels good. it would've felt better if i had some money in my pocket, but 'i'm poor but i'm happy'. all the people i really care for are just within my reach. happiness, happiness. peace all around! god, i sound so much like those barbie-doll look-alike yoga freaks! well, i guess the last statement wasn't very yoga :|

ok signing off now. just started reading 'dhaka puran' by mijanur rahman. i'll go back to that.

broke back!

back again! this time for real, time to bring this blog to life. i was reading through the past few posts, and decided 'the break-up chronicles' are the most pathetic blogs ever written in the history of web log...and i've deleted them. goodness, was i so pathetic? unbelievable!

update 1: i have no job. for 6 months now. and all my money's gone, i'm all broke, kind of worried about next month's rent. yeah, it's that bad! but i'm keeping myself calm. i won't deny that i was feeling restless and a bit hopeless a few days ago, but somehow i got hold of my 'zen state' again..not fully though, but i think i'm going to get back to that state again soon. happiness!

update 2: i have started learning guitar! i tried to blow on a flute for a few days, producing only a very very airy (forceful) 'fffffuuuu' sound, then decided guitar is a much easier option. i'm practising almost daily, soon i'll play with roger waters in a gig, you just wait!

update 3: i'm reading books! with no work to do, and the initial frenzy of a new relationship settling into a peaceful companionship (too soon, but we are getting old, unfortunately. or fortunately, who knows!), i can read a book without losing concentration for hours! i can't remember when was the last time i was able to do that, may be back in campus? 

update 4: two of my favorite things were broken last night. one was a pinwheel i very carefully brought from my china trip a couple of years ago. another was a capiz garland a friend of mine brought for me from singapore. both i kept near me, the pinwheel spinning continuously with the air from the ceiling fan, the capizes constantly making tingling sounds against the wall. both are damaged, by somebody else's carelessness. the pinwheel is repairable (i think), but the capizes are beyond repair. i can even feel how they were smashed to death, each of of them, with cracks all over their beautiful rough,shiny surfaces... only a couple of days ago i tossed them around just to hear them tingle away happily. my heart broke. but i'm in a zen state, and i am learning to let go. the first thing to learn is not to create any kind of attachment with anything. the moment you give meaning to something, add memories to simple things, you are doomed. well it's not exactly very zen :|...but it works. i guess.

weird time we're in. we have to be someone to be here. if you say 'i don't want to be anything, i want my life to waste away, just like this' - the world around you would fall to pieces. even your friends will look at you with sheer disbelief...you'll be an outcast in a second, an ousider in a world where everybody wants to become somebody. and the one who wants to remain a nobody, refuses to 'develop' herself in any possible way, is the heretic, instantly looked down upon, an insignificant soul, an object of contempt. 

i feel tired. it's better to shut myself down than fighting with a world which doesn't understand, and will never, ever understand.