bla bla

i haven't been doing anything recently (ya, big news!). i was struggling with 'life is elsewhere'...this book is going to be the book i have spent the longest time reading! i can't concentrate, i read one paragraph and it gets me thinking, then i think and think and think...and as usual, sink in frustration afterwards. about me. i've turned into a complete ME! all i think about is MY frustrations, MY hopeless future, MY hopeless present, MY hopeless past, well that's about it. and this damn cold doesn't help at all.

the work is getting on my nerves. i have discovered that i can do the work in approximately 1.5 days, so though i'm supposed to spend 3 days in a week for the project, i sit around browsing 2 big f's (flickr and facebook) all day long, i am the biggest procrastinator in history. oh, vashkar might beat me, i donno.

i wish i had a computer in my head...so many things turn up to write in my blog whenever i turn the lights off to sleep, or when i am in the car coming to the office or going home from the office...

i need a break.

so, this is the last month of 2008. this year passed quickly. mostly because i didn't do anything significant except getting bored, which, by the way, is insignificant. i mean getting bored is insignificant. if somebody needs any clarification, that is.

ok, so let's look at my new years resolution that i posted way back sometime, let me find it first, then i'll paste it here...

1. get a new passport, as my passport will expire next week!

- :D got one :D :D ...donno about the "next week" though :P

2. register for IELTS exam, set the date preferably before Eid-ul-Azha.

-don't remember if it was before eid ul azha or not :S, but i did register and i did take the exam.

3. PREPARE for the IELTS exam!

- THAT, as far as i can remember, was not done..well, when did i ever prepare for anything?

4. after getting the new passport, apply for an indian visa as the plan is to go to kolkata on the eid vacation.

-huh? completely forgot about this one, and it certainly was not done.

5. spend a night or two with babli, as she would be leaving the hall on the 20th.

- DONE :D :D ...god i miss those days!

6. look for possible job options (if any!), target should be to join somewhere from 1st january at the latest!

- oh ok, better not talk about this one.

7. try to have 3 or 4 blue, green and purple hair streaks (preferably before eid).

- shit! i still want it, so it means it certainly wasn't done.

8. buy some books on 'media communication', study and try to write that god damn 'statement of interest'!

- oh right! change of plans.

9. all those books that i bought time to time, left them unread, and didnt care much when some days later they were out of sight, well, should try to excavate them and read all of them!

- i must've been in one of my hyper positive moods when i wrote this one. means not done.

10. same applies for the movies!

- ya right!

11. try to keep daily logs of my achievements!!!

- can't believe i wrote that! what was i thinking?

hmm, no regrets. didn't do many things, which is better than doing a lot of things and regretting afterwards.

we're going to st. martins islands on the eid vacation. i don't like the place very much, but i need to get out of dhaka during eid-ul-azha and have no other option.

watched lost in translation once again last evening. i'm in love.

titled

this was a hasty weekend. went to katyani puja at magura with tapati apu and rakeshda. we went there last year too. it is a belated durga puja of some kind, i don't exactly know the details. but it's certainly fun to see a whole town turned into a huge 'mela'!

i don't know why i suddenly started to write a blog. do i have anything to say? i somehow managed to stop thinking. life is easier this way. waking up, coming to office, go home, sleep, wake up, come to office, go home, sleep... a circle, and not a perfect one either. it's in this boring, imperfect circle of living that i found comfort in.

oh, i have been fidgeting with picasa as i still did not install photoshop on my pc...and i changed one of my photos in such a way that nobody can't even guess what the original might have been! lol. here is both the original one and the picasa-ed one.

original

picasa-ed

duh!

just so that 'october' isn't listed as all empty...

listening to 'broken social scene', i think i'll be listening to them for the rest of my life. a pity that i discovered them only recently. thanks to tazeen though.

totally addicted to flickr. i guess that's why my blog is left unattended for so long. gosh, isn't flickr addictive! so many good pictures there, i have been exploring all day and night. i have uploaded some of mine too, but those are so insignificant to the pictures uploaded by some of the photographers! but i think they photoshop too much. i don't like photos to be photoshopped, i like it straight from the camera (sooc, another thing i learned from flickr). but thats probably because i don't know anything about photoshop, and i am too lazy to learn ps. but i do appreciate the sooc shots more, don't i? :S

right now i am a bit pissed off with some of the people around me. it's quite shocking to discover unknown traits of a person you thought you knew so well. i guess that's how people are. full of shocking traits, may be i have some too.. may be i shock people everyday with them, who knows!

p.s. i love this video bitter sweet symphony - the verve ....and the song, yah very much! loved it since it was released.

n for nada, n for nothing

it's 2 am now. and i wish i were in office. for the first time, the office seems more of a home to me than the place that i live in. i felt like that about rokeya hall too, but rokeya hall isn't "office", right? now i can even find some comfort on the works that i do...not the particular work, but work itself. it keeps me busy, takes my mind off the depressing thoughts that were on my mind for the last 1.5 years, which never gave me any chance to concentrate on any other thing, for even a second. even the dreams i had were somewhat sad and pathetic. now, i don't have dreams at all. which is good. at least better than having depressing dreams over and over.

i wish i couldn't speak. whenever i speak, something goes wrong. somebody gets hurt, somebody feels irritated, somebody gets bored, somebody feels offended, somebody begins to snore...i never can get my words right.

i no longer brood over my age. about how i have gotten so old, how i didn't achieve anything in life, how i couldn't make anybody happy in this world, how i couldn't make even me happy, how grim my future looks...it's not that these thoughts don't pass my head at all, they do. but suddenly somehow, i have learned to ignore them. all i think about is my work...or the statement of interest i have to write (yes, that eternal statement of interest, which never gets written)...i hold onto this little unwritten statement of interest like all my dreams depend upon it. like it is the key to the termination (sorry, at 2 am, my head is so boggled up i couldn't find an easier word for 'termination') of all my sadness, all my brooding, all my depressions. but, somewhere in a dark corner of my mind, there is a weak blinking light (as if it's dying, but it never quite dies out) saying "nothing's gonna change, ever." but i don't look at the dark corners of my mind. i don't dare to.

i wish i couldn't speak. i wish i had all the work in the world to do, to keep my mind off everything. i wish i didn't know anyone in this world. i wish i could live all alone somewhere, where no-one knows me. i wish i was out of this boring depression of mine, more boring than this boring life itself! i wish i was dead. i wish. i wish.

absolute freedom is boring.

it's saturday morning 9 o'clock, and i'm wondering what i'm going to do all day. vashkar is busy with shooting their new ad, my colleagues are gone for the weekend for a mini trip in jamuna resort, tuhi is most probably busy visiting (or entertaining) her parents/in-laws/sister/sister-in-laws/cousins/nieces/nephews/ husband's friends/some undefined people. and sharmee is away. in fact, this is the first time i realize, now that sharmee is gone...i have no one to talk to except vashkar. and nowhere to go to. today's options are, i. jamuna resort: for which i'm late already, and the sound of the place doesn't make me all excited about spending two whole days and a night there. ii. going to jewel's place: he has invited me over to his place as his parents/siblings have all gone to uk, and his wifey is out on duty all day in her hospital. i know what going to his empty flat implies, and i'm not the least interested. iii. i can call dhrubo and go on a date of some kind, but i'm sure he's not going to receive my phone call, or even if he does, he'll make excuses of all kind. iv. i can go to vashkar's shooting and sit in a corner bored. i am not 'creative' enough to participate (not that i think making advertisements is anywhere near creativity though!), so i'll just have to sit and watch a bunch of 'creative' people acting so, errr.. 'creative'! v. sit home and fuel my frustration.

none of these seem very promising. and i know option v is the destiny for me. not only for this saturday, but for all my goddamn life. (see, i have started it already!, i mean the 'fuel my frustration' stuff.)

dhatteri! i wish sharmee was here in dhaka. i feel like a destitute without her.

random

yesterday the headline was tarek rahman's unconditional bail. today it's four infamous army personnel's (who were charged with murder of four national leaders) acquittal. i wonder what news awaits us tomorrow! looks like dhaka is becoming an unsafe place, with all these suspected-to-be criminals out on the streets!

life is somewhere else

right now i am reading life is elsewhere by milan kundera. i think it's been almost a month i've started reading it, but i haven't even finished half of it till now. some books are better read this way, lingering over every chapter, every page, even words..

i usually read it on my way to the office in the morning. and sometimes in the office, when i get bored working. a minute ago i came across this passage from the book. and it made my week!

"(This is something that could never have happened to Xavier, because Xavier has no mother, and no father either, and not having parents is the first precondition of freedom.

But please understand, it's not a matter of losing one's parents. Gerard de Nerval's mother died when he was a newborn, and yet he lived his whole life under the hypnotic gaze of her wonderful eyes.

Freedom does not begin where parents are rejected or buried, but where they do not exist:

Where man is brought into the world without knowing by whom.

Where man is brought into the world by an egg thrown into a forest.

Where man is spat out on the ground by the sky and puts his feet on the world without feeling gratitude.)"

i think i have fallen in love with milan kundera, once again!

endless, useless, boring blabberings

i had polio when i was 3. my left leg is a bit weaker and thinner than the right one. so i limp a little. not quite noticeable indoors, but outdoors when i walk people do stare at my feet. i don't blame them, curiosity is the mother of invention they say. in this case however, all their curiosity would let them invent is a thin, unusual foot, but at least their thirst for knowledge is quenched! i don't exactly mind. i mean i did mind, when i was little. but over the years i kind of got used to people's stares. and comments. yes, let's not forget about the comments. how could i? the comments from the people who stand there on the sideways, in the middle of the busy roads, in everywhere, with no work in hand. i always wondered, what do these people do? you can find them anywhere in this city. they just stand there, a group of two or three, you don't know if they are having a conversation, all you know and hear is the comments they'll throw at you just as you pass them. of course, to experience that you have to be one of the female species.

my friends, my fellow colleagues, often complain about them. i guess it's a bit different for me. it's not only my sex that gets me comments from all around me, also my unfortunate left foot. i call it unfortunate because it has given me no trouble in any phase of my life, but it has to go through this ordeal every now and then. poor thing!

anyways, most of the times i don't notice these passing remarks (that's probably because i rarely notice anything going around me). and the times i do, i ignore them. there was a time when i got furious whenever somebody dared to utter a mocking word at me; sometimes i even confronted them. but what i discovered is, the male species will always stick together. you face one of them, the others will come to his rescue. or make the whole thing a laughing issue. i don't remember exactly when i stopped reacting to these incidents. i got used to it at some point. these days, i don't even notice. people will whistle, or laugh, or sing, or stare, or throw an offensive comment...i have so got used to it that it goes past me unnoticed, and sometimes when i do notice, it gets ignored.

the reason behind my stupid ramblings is, this afternoon, as i was walking towards movenpick (gulshan 1), a guy sang a song to me. yah, i know it sounds absolutely romantic. but the guy had a weird grin in his face (his friend who was beside him, wore exactly the same grin...which is a point to ponder on!) and the song he was singing was about 'how gray hairs don't make one old'! well, i had a realization just then! i'm of the female gender, i have a defective leg, and now, some of my hairs have turned gray! i have to admit, i'm a bit proud of my gray hairs, i'm sick and tired of hearing how i look like a 14 year old, these gray hairs give me some kind of an aged identity, which i like. it didn't strike me until then that these innocent silver hairs too, are something to stare at, something to comment on...something to sing a song about! wow, what a good news for the sideway commentators! go guys go! wish u every success on your job (that you do so passionately, i have to say), and next time i manage to notice your hard work, i'll congratulate you.

ok, this was supposed to be a write up full of scathing satire. but now that i've read the whole thing myself, it's a pathetic and whining piece of shit. sorry the sideway commentators, i don't hold any particular grudge against you. actually, you guys are quite funny. i just wanted to write a satire. but it ended up this way. and now i'm again whining. let's stop here.

cox's bazar trip, palbasha and the nation!

we three (tuhi, sharmee and i) were trying to keep awake and chatting at our hotel room in cox's bazar on saturday. we reached cox's bazar that morning at around 8.30, came to the hotel directly to find out our room is not available before 12. quite a few arguments later, we were able to secure one room, even better than the one that was booked for us.. :D. happy with the room and the lunch and the shopping, we decided to have some rest. i was changing the tv channels after some futile attempts to start an adda (as sharmee declared she needs two hours sleep) when suddenly i came across close up 1 on ntv. it's an american idol like show, the only reason i sometimes stop to watch this program is the ridiculous comments thrown by a hilarious judge. but this time, it was not him that made me stop. it was a girl, singing 'bhalobashbo bashbore bondhu' by habib. the girl looked familiar, and also her singing reminded me of palbasha siddique, the girl that sang pran in where the hell is matt (2008). and yes, as i found out a couple of minutes later, it was palbasha siddique!

i first came to know of this girl from matts video. the video is one of my most favorites and i can't just have enough of that song. i tried to find everything i could on the net about the singer, and found out she is a bangladeshi girl living in minneapolis, studying music. and then she appeared singing in a bangladeshi television, singing 'bhablobashbo bashbore' in her own way with perfect improvisation. i thought the judges won't like it, but surprisingly, they were all blown away! well, improvising is appreciated in american idol, but i didn't think in bangladesh anybody would appreciate it. here we can't stand remakes, we hate maqsud for ''insulting'' tagore, fuad for ''demeaning'' happy akhand, armeen for being totally ''ignorant'' about the feeling of s.d. barman's song, we bengalis, are an emotional clan. (though somehow we appreciate with some claps when suman translates john denver's songs or when souls shamelessly copies 'jamaica farewell' with totally different lyrics in bangla). anyways, back to palbasha, i came back all excited to dhaka, telling vashkar how i saw palbasha in close up 1, how beautifully she sang, and how sure i am that she's going to win. yes, vashkar had seen her singing too, and he also saw the results where palbasha left because she didn't earn enough votes.

i was heartbroken. i so wanted her to win. she sang so differently, she deserved to stay. i looked for the videos in the net and thanks to youtube, we have all there. i saw her leaving close up 1, getting 42 out of 50 by the judges couldn't keep her in the competition because she got only 10000 votes through sms. while her opponent got 32 by the judges and 30000 votes through sms. well, that's just like this country. my first assumption came true. this country will not understand re-making, improvising or making a difference. all we have is our emotions, so anybody singing all emo, we'll fall for that. to us, artists should be 'starving', intellectuals 'struggling'. it satisfies our soul to see them like that. the more you starve and struggle the greater you become...and when you die starving and struggling, we'll shower your grave with imported flowers, may be prize your sad family with an award or two, then forget all about you after a year or so (after we find another dying, starving, struggling artist). that's how we are.

umm...i don't know what happened to me, i'm not that great a fan of palbasha am i? :S. i think this writing is misleading. well, who cares.

whatever

well, that's what life is i guess. pointless, meaningless existence, drowning in your own mediocrity, in a world full of fake people pretending they are something special. no one wants to be mediocre, so you got to fake yourself, fake your life, fake your existence until you become so fake that people consider you worth talking to. congrats, cause now you have become an embodiment of fakeness, part of this magical fake world. where everything else is kitsch. fakeness is the originality. the only originality that counts.

another day wasted, but no regrets!

bz day! woke up and came to office only to find i can't concentrate a bit. so, was just browsing the net when i came across this little poem,

I walked up the door,
shut the stairs,
said my shoes,
took off my prayers,
turned off my bed,
got into the light,
all because
you kissed me goodnight.

cute! but soon found out it was plagiarized...the original piece was written by one bruce lansky -

Scrambled

I climbed up the door and
I opened the stairs.
I said my pajamas
and buttoned my prayers.

I turned off the covers
and pulled up the light.
I’m all scrambled up since
she kissed me last night.

and this poem reminded me of a story by peter bichsel, translated to bangla by suman rahman. i read it in sachalayatan, and searched for it in their archive...but as i'm not sure when he published that, i couldn't find it and gave up after spending 3 or 4 hours of searching. it was a beautiful short story and i surely want to read it again. though i can't find it. and i donno how to find it either.

we, the 3d team are going to watch miami vice tonight. i didn't watch it before but it probably is a shitty movie anyways. cineplex never brings any movie that's worth seeing.

movie updates tomorrow, stay tuned (who am i addressing this to!)!

(wow! i finally managed a glass-half-full tone, congratulations myself!)

b.o.r.i.n.g.

everyday i think, i should write something today, but when i open the editing panel...all my words get jumbled up. well, this is just like me, isn't it? i can't even talk to people...the people around me know me as an unsocial being, whose vocabulary is limited to the uttering of three or four words, 'hi', 'no, thanks' and 'bye'! anyways, i guess that's what i am, and in this middle (!) age, there's no use changing my ways.

oh, there's one hot news...sachalayatan seems to be blocked in bangladesh. it is hard to imagine, as no websites were banned or blocked from bangladesh before. i donno what the govt. is thinking, being mysteriously silent about the incident, and not realizing it's effect on the image of bangladesh in the outside world. i think the reason is some stupid plot that was going on in a post in the site to kill the jamati leaders in bangladesh by hiring professional killers. but, anybody with brains can understand it's just a stupid outrageous comment, it can't be done in real, right? well, you can expect anything to happen in this country, i guess. sachalayatan, as usual, are playing all 'hush hush' about it, they are only praising people who are writing about them in the mainstream media, i.e. newpapers, web-organizations..pretty funny. there are some people in other blogs who tried to help, but the people belonging to sachalyatan were quite rude to them. i think that's what happens when you become a member of a closed group. they don't trust anybody other than their members, and sometimes, it seems they don't even trust their own members even. anyways, it's pretty outrageous that the govt. should block a site. i hope it's a technical glitch only.

anyways, i hope nobody from sachalayatan reads this, they are all so tensed up about their blockage, anybody who writes about it gets attacked! some guy in e-bangladesh wrote something on the topic, and someone from japan ran a script to mess the site up and succeeded! e-bangladesh too, is down for the last couple of days. lol...the world is full of super sensitive people!

i've never posted any pictures in this blog, so i'm thinking of starting a picture blog. putting up pictures will be fun i think, it doesn't require any word!

rainy day wonderings

this week is a waste. didn't work a bit, can't concentrate. and tomorrow i have to deliver the file. feeling like running away somewhere. world is too complicated. cool, now i sound like a 16 years old emotional wreck.

a lot has happened in the meantime, i mean after my last post. that tour to cox's bazar was canceled and we went to rajshahi...that was one hell of a tour...nothing to talk about, but spending time with tuhi and sharmee is always good, if the three of us can match our free times, that is. but i'm still hopeful about the cox's bazar trip...may be we'll go sometime this month.

i also went to srimangal with vashkar's shooting team, and tazeen went with me. we two were there for the weekend. but lauachhora was a big disappointment, i heard so many oohs and aahs from people coming back from there, i think i was expecting something spectacular, or may be it's just because this kind of beauty is not simply of my taste. i donno. but i liked the tea gardens. they have some kind of solemn serenity, the dark green bushes standing still against the backdrop of ash gray clouds... lets stop this here or i'll end up writing a poem!

i started reading the glass palace, and i have a new place in my wishlist for visiting. i have to go to rangoon and mandalay. i just have to. and i have to go to kolkata, kashmir, bhutan, tibet, jaysalmir, sumatra, java, alaska, iceland, antarctica, mars, pluto...well, shouldn't try naming all the places, the list will never end. and i think not one of them will get crossed out from the list either. oh nononono, no frustrations...i'm all positive now...though i see everything around me falling apart...relationships, friendships, marriageships, loveships, and all those bullships, i mean, bullshits...but i'll be positive...life is but a half-empty glass...and you are only but to see the half-filled part.

frustrations

how do you feel when somebody suspects you for something that you didn't do? and you can't prove that you didn't do it, because you are one of the few persons that have the necessary information for doing it? hell, i feel like shit now. it's true that i sometimes felt like doing it, but i'm just not the type that'd interfere into somebody's personal life. what the f*** do i care? my life is enough complicated anyways. shit. shit. shit.

and the fun trip is turning into a big bully as cox's bazar is out of the plan. that stupid road is not fixed, and it seems no plane goes there at this time of the year. and we have a safety freak tuhi (good thing that she works with chevron) who needs a complete plan of action for going anywhere...the trip is turning into an boring obligation it seems. well i don't know. but we'll have to do that cox's bazar trip sometime when that road gets fixed. even if it happens in july.

sdkjfieancashreun;ahdsifhjkascn

whenever you plan something, you can be sure that everything that could have gone wrong, would go wrong. well, it's not my words anyway, some mr. murphy has written it down on paper hundreds of years ago. i mean, at least it seems so, 'hundreds of years'!

finally we three (sharmee, tuhi and me) planned to go somewhere. after some pondering we picked cox'sbazar, which we considered as the safest for three girls for travelling 'alone'. i was quite sure that tuhi wouldn't go...and she did throw at us all the excuses she could find for her not going. i had to take the next friday off so that she can go. it's ok i guess, anything for a getaway with friends. but i realized one thing in the last few days, that to most people, friends are the third priority in life. first is of course family, and the second is his/her career. i can't blame them though. this is how this world works i guess. but i do feel like an outsider sometimes. am i a bit mad with tuhi? i think so, and it's making me feel a little guilty.

anyways, now that we have all of us going, the road to chittagong has to go wrong. it seems the road is being repaired so it will take us ages to reach cox'sbazar if we go by bus. there is an option to go by train, but im desperately hoping that the stupid road gets fixed by this thursday. and on top of it, we have a bad weather going on, cox's bazar is under danger signal 3 right now! me and vashkar would see this as an adventure and still go, but my friends are safe players. everything seems so messed up right now, even my writing is incoherent. and i'm wondering why did i start to write in this mood! better stop here.

questions??

where exactly does a relationship end? i have ended too many relationships in my life. sometimes there were good reasons, sometimes just because i felt like it. but exactly when do you feel like it? what's the time span for a good relationship to end? for me, it seems it's only 2 or 2.5 years at maximum. it starts with constantly blaming each other, feeling guilty, and getting angry with self for feeling guilty...it's almost a never ending process. as for me, i'd hate to go through this once again. but sometimes situation compels you to. no, lets not blame it on situations, it's me only. i was always an escapist, always planning to run away; from everything, everyplace, sometimes even from myself. i don't know where i want to run to. and that is a big problem. a relationship needs special care, and as care is a word that does not exist in my dictionary, i can't ever keep a relationship. that's pretty scary. but living alone also has it's charms. i guess. then again, what's the point of keeping a relationship which requires nurturing? i mean, if a relationship is not strong on it's own, shouldn't you just end it right there? yah, i'm asking too many questions. i do that when i feel like shit. no, wrong. i do that all the time. i mean asking questions. means i feel like shit all the time. thats true. kinda.

positive thinking...my foot!

i've decided to look at life positively and now i can't find anything to write about. all i want to write about is how i find everything and everybody so fake and shallow, and i keep thinking, no, i decided to be positive...i shouldn't write these stuffs. well, how do you make your eyes see positive things when everything before you is so shallow and fake? i dont have any idea. may be it's my point of view...i always see the empty portion of the glass, even if it's 98% full. but still, if something is fake, it's fake right? it's so fucking fake, so where the hell's the 98% REAL thing that should be there? well, now i'm swearing. so much for my positive thoughts!

nothing much going on in my life, i mean, except for seeing those bad stuffs about ppl and things. tipu bhai went away. he was our teamleader, and the oslo client has hired him permanently. it's creepy. living in oslo. it's too clean, too without people, too tidy for me. i want some pollution, and people. loads of people around me so that i can be invisible amidst them. anyways tipu bhai left yesterday, and surprisingly, i felt bad. this guy was a pain in the ass sometimes, but still, he somehow balanced a totally imbalanced team. without him, the team would not be the same anymore. and weirdly enough, i'll miss him.

i need to read, i need to read, i have so many books unread. i think i need counselling too. i think i'm a psychopath! nope, i should be positive...i think i am a ...a ...or may be it should be an 'an'...i think im an...umm...errr... well, what the heck!

habijabi

i came to the office today but can't concentrate in any work. sometimes it happens to me. i just dont feel like doing anything. in those times i usually blog. and when i dont feel like doing that also, i read people's blogs. one of my fav passtime is to go through the blogs that appear in the Blogs Updated at part in the blogger homepage. today while doing that, i found two very interesting blogs. one is childrenofatorox.blogspot.com and another is (which is in the blogs of note section) jasonsolis.blogspot.com. the first one is picture stories told by dolls about their many many adventures. and the second one is a group residing in macmurdo station, antarctica, about their everyday experiences with photographs. they also have some videos of aurora, which are absolutely stunning.

i have to leave now. today is a whole day wasted...but i'm feeling good! and oh, i've decided to stop all the brooding and worrying and whining (well, sometimes!) and be a positive person from now on. whatever comes, i know i can face it...or even if i dont know that i can face it, i always do face it...because i have to...so no point in worrying and brooding and whining (sometimes!).

[dramatic?] monologue!

didn't come here for a while. didn't know what to write. i've been wondering lately about the reason why im keeping this blog. it doesn't feel like a diary, where i can write whatever i want, bitch about anyone and everyone, write down all my frustrations and anger, all my deepest secrets...which nobody will be able to see. but here, i have to pretend sometimes, which makes me feel bad. or does it? don't i pretend anyways? don't i put in a mask like everybody else in real life and also when encountering myself? i do. but the problem is, i'm not very good at it. sometimes i plan to throw the mask away...and live a free life...live my life! but i have lived with this mask for so long it won't let go. it sticks to me...my very self...and pretends to be the real me! yes, my mask is a sly pretender...pretending to be me...and i just can't pull it off anymore.

blank

im back. from st. martin. from my 1 month long (or was it longer?) hibernation. and from donno where.

i dont feel like typing though. i dont feel like doing anything at all. i donno why.

i feel like screaming at the top of my voice. but i dont. i sit here, feeling cold and a little bit numb. and typing whatever comes to my mind.

do i feel lonely? i donno. for quite sometime, everything started to seem meaningless. i donno from when. dont even care. do i dare, do i dare, disturb the universe? now why did i quote prufrock all of a sudden? i donno. i dont even care. wow..looks like this is my theme song, 'i donno, i dont even care, i donno, i dont even care...' i wish i could sing this song, though it doesnt have any tune. it needs a tune.

wasnt it supposed to be fun? caring about nothing? then why is it so goddamn boring for me? may be im weird. nope, not may be. i am weird.

i hate the work im doing rite now. but is there any job i'd like? i donno. i dont even care.

useless ramblings. well, this blog is for useless ramblings like this. and it is full of it. useless shit. do i care to be useful? i donno. i dont even care.

what do i prefer? arms dealing? or some goddamn block in some shitty place in ireland? i donno. i dont even care.

should i stop? i donno, i dont even care!

drifters' song

yesterday while surfing the channels i found this song on HBO...it was playing during the end credits of a movie (the movie, as i later found out, was elizabethtown)...and i found it good. but it was the second song that swept me off my feet, as this song is one of my best loved ones. it is a drifter's song...and i know it is a very common song...very old, nothing special, nothing to be excited about bla bla bla...still...i feel this song is 'my' song, if you know what i mean. i am a drifter...i always was...may be that's why i can relate to this one so much and can get lost so easily in it. the song is moon river. was sung by god-knows-how-many artists..yet the most known one is the andy williams version. the one i heard last night was by patty griffin...i couldn't find it anywhere in the net and im not sure if i'll find it in the music stores here in dhaka. i asked dhrubo to search for it...may be he will send it...may be he wont. anyways, i am including here the original audrey hepburn version...the one she sang in the movie 'breakfast at tiffany's', the movie for which the song was originally written. i found the song in esnips...so song courtesy goes to that great site.

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips

boring days...boring entries...

so another year is here...and 14 days gone already. just like last year, i skipped the resolution part...its of no use anyway. i still don't have my passport, i mean i didn't apply for it yet,,, have no idea when i am going to sit for the IELTS exam, and i don't even want to think about sending of the applications to the universities.

but there's been some changes around, vashkar's parents moved in with us. which sounds pretty bad as living with parents is not something you dream of when you are on your 30's or even late 20's, but what i have realized since the time they moved in, living with these people is like flat-sharing with an older couple. they don't try to impose anything on us, they just live their life while we live ours. it's kind of fun. though i do miss having a large flat only to ourselves...and those big empty rooms...and walking around with nothing on all around the flat...but still...it's not like we are going to live with them forever, right?

another update is i am back to office again. as a trainer. which is a good thing as all i do is give the new guys some tasks to finish...and i play games online while they are at the tasks. arild, somewherein's proprietor wants me to stay... he has offered me a post in the blog team as a content editor. it might have sounded like a very good idea to me even a couple of months ago...but as i have communicated with the existing blog team for the last 7 days now,,, i think taking this job will mean suicide for me. i really do not want to go into details about this, because i'm still raving mad about the whole thing. one thing i can't help putting in...thanks to this involvement, i have met the most stupid person that i will ever meet in my whole life. now, is that something to be thankful about? i don't know, may be.

what a boring entry! i better stop here.