n for nada, n for nothing

it's 2 am now. and i wish i were in office. for the first time, the office seems more of a home to me than the place that i live in. i felt like that about rokeya hall too, but rokeya hall isn't "office", right? now i can even find some comfort on the works that i do...not the particular work, but work itself. it keeps me busy, takes my mind off the depressing thoughts that were on my mind for the last 1.5 years, which never gave me any chance to concentrate on any other thing, for even a second. even the dreams i had were somewhat sad and pathetic. now, i don't have dreams at all. which is good. at least better than having depressing dreams over and over.

i wish i couldn't speak. whenever i speak, something goes wrong. somebody gets hurt, somebody feels irritated, somebody gets bored, somebody feels offended, somebody begins to snore...i never can get my words right.

i no longer brood over my age. about how i have gotten so old, how i didn't achieve anything in life, how i couldn't make anybody happy in this world, how i couldn't make even me happy, how grim my future looks...it's not that these thoughts don't pass my head at all, they do. but suddenly somehow, i have learned to ignore them. all i think about is my work...or the statement of interest i have to write (yes, that eternal statement of interest, which never gets written)...i hold onto this little unwritten statement of interest like all my dreams depend upon it. like it is the key to the termination (sorry, at 2 am, my head is so boggled up i couldn't find an easier word for 'termination') of all my sadness, all my brooding, all my depressions. but, somewhere in a dark corner of my mind, there is a weak blinking light (as if it's dying, but it never quite dies out) saying "nothing's gonna change, ever." but i don't look at the dark corners of my mind. i don't dare to.

i wish i couldn't speak. i wish i had all the work in the world to do, to keep my mind off everything. i wish i didn't know anyone in this world. i wish i could live all alone somewhere, where no-one knows me. i wish i was out of this boring depression of mine, more boring than this boring life itself! i wish i was dead. i wish. i wish.