down the rabbit's hole

smiles, which create restlessness...two eyes that speak too much, or may be not, it's all my imagination, and i fall deep, like alice, i keep falling, falling, endlessly, but the rabbit doesn't care, it runs and runs, while i keep falling, losing my breath, heart beating faster and faster, my head warns me, i can't go on like this, have to climb up, have to climb up...but there's nothing i can hold on to...and it is cold...so cold it numbs my brains, and i can't think...and i keep falling into the dark...no, i can't let myself go like this, i'm scared of drowning...who knows, may be there's water underneath...and i can't swim...no, i really can't go on like this...but it is so cold and there's nothing to hold on to...and those moments, and these restlessness that i don't know what to do with...do i want to die?...yes? no?...but i don't want to keep falling either...it's terrible, this endless feeling of falling somewhere, to some unknown place i'm scared of...the rabbit is not down there...i know...it's just a void...an eternal darkness, is it hell?...is hell dark?...how can it be with all those fires burning?...and how can it be so cold?...what is it?...where am i falling?...and why am i when i don't want to...yes, i don't want to, i so don't want to...but i can't help it...what is happening to me?...and it's freezing, i should be in bed curled up under the duvet and try to sleep so that this feeling goes away for a few hours...but i'm afraid of waking up...the feeling comes back again...and i don't want to go on anymore...i'm so tired, i can't fight it anymore...is it worth it?...time heals everything they say, may be it will heal this terrible feeling too...but how much time is it going to be?...i'm not a teenager anymore....i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30...and still falling.

bla

sometimes when i listen to a good song, i want to die. it doesn't matter whether the song is depressing or full of hopes and dreams...it makes me want to die right then and there because it strikes me how impossible it is to listen to all the beautiful songs in this world, and how it is pointless even to try as the list is never ending. some people might find optimism in this, like they would want to live for these wonderful songs still unknown to them, to discover those songs one by one as they get older. but i don't. to me, when i listen to a beautiful song that touches my heart, i always have this strong desire to find and listen to this kind of heart touching, brings-tears-to-my-eyes music, and then i realize that songs like this are endless and there's a 99% possibility of passing my whole life without listening to 99% percent of these beautiful songs. who knows, may be one of those unheard songs could've changed my life completely, may be i would be a totally different person then, a person who knows how to love, how to live. so what's the point of living, i ask myself. myself answers, can't think of any. and then i decide to die.