i think i have ADD. i can't seem to concentrate for a minute! i try to write my essays that are due next week, but whenever i open the word document or a book, i seem to drift away somewhere, and without even noticing i've opened facebook or some blog to waste an hour or so, then i remember i am supposed to study so i open the word doc or the book once again, and just after a minute or two i'm back on the internet, searching for things that would successfully waste all the time i've got. i don't really know what to do about it.

i am going to start a part time job from next month, the pay is very little, hardly enough to support even my monthly expense, but it's not like i have any other option. and it requires me to work for 3 hours a day for 5 days a week, exactly at the same time everyday. this is gonna be pretty hard for me i think as the working hour is from 1pm to 4 pm weekdays. i can't really go anywhere...no holidays, nothing. well, i think i have to sacrifice something if i plan to survive alone. i was thinking today, if i die before any of my family members die, that would be wonderful, as there won't be any guilt involved from my part. morbid thought, but i was always sort of morbid wasn't i? i figured out life is so much easier when you live alone, yes, you do feel lonely, you miss company, you miss cuddling, you miss sex, but it's a lot easier once you get to learn to live without the things that you miss. provided, however, that you have money enough to support you. without money, it's not just worth it. i guess that is why most girls in our country get married, to have a nice amount of money stashed somewhere so that they don't have to end up on the streets. their husbands are the stashed amount of money. well, even i feel like getting married to a stinking rich man and never have a worry in the world. it's funny how all the worries in the world relates to money somehow. at least for me. i wish i'd get a proper job soon. worrying all the time is killing me. i have finally decided to dye my hair (which will cost money, so i think that won't happen as well), now that 80% of them have turned gray, it doesn't look cool anymore, with the lines on my face, i look literally old. i never cared about looks, but i didn't plan to be looking like a 50 year woman when i'm 30. so it came as a bit of a shock. the only positive thing is, i am living proof that worrying makes the hair turn gray! i don't wish for anything these days, i just wish all my worries are over. i'm so tired of worrying. and i can't share with anyone. that is another big problem. people seem to take me as a happy person who doesn't have a worry in the world. this is so ironic! but it always happens with me though. when i was all happy or feeling quite ok, people ask me 'are you ok? you look sad/exhausted/tired/raped/dead/or something else of that sort'. and now that i'm worrying 24/7, people think i'm as light as a feather. may be it has something to do with my crooked personality, it's so weird...even i don't know what i'm doing or saying most of the time. oh god, i'm demented.