down the rabbit's hole

smiles, which create restlessness...two eyes that speak too much, or may be not, it's all my imagination, and i fall deep, like alice, i keep falling, falling, endlessly, but the rabbit doesn't care, it runs and runs, while i keep falling, losing my breath, heart beating faster and faster, my head warns me, i can't go on like this, have to climb up, have to climb up...but there's nothing i can hold on to...and it is cold...so cold it numbs my brains, and i can't think...and i keep falling into the dark...no, i can't let myself go like this, i'm scared of drowning...who knows, may be there's water underneath...and i can't swim...no, i really can't go on like this...but it is so cold and there's nothing to hold on to...and those moments, and these restlessness that i don't know what to do with...do i want to die?...yes? no?...but i don't want to keep falling either...it's terrible, this endless feeling of falling somewhere, to some unknown place i'm scared of...the rabbit is not down there...i know...it's just a void...an eternal darkness, is it hell?...is hell dark?...how can it be with all those fires burning?...and how can it be so cold?...what is it?...where am i falling?...and why am i when i don't want to...yes, i don't want to, i so don't want to...but i can't help it...what is happening to me?...and it's freezing, i should be in bed curled up under the duvet and try to sleep so that this feeling goes away for a few hours...but i'm afraid of waking up...the feeling comes back again...and i don't want to go on anymore...i'm so tired, i can't fight it anymore...is it worth it?...time heals everything they say, may be it will heal this terrible feeling too...but how much time is it going to be?...i'm not a teenager anymore....i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30...and still falling.

bla

sometimes when i listen to a good song, i want to die. it doesn't matter whether the song is depressing or full of hopes and dreams...it makes me want to die right then and there because it strikes me how impossible it is to listen to all the beautiful songs in this world, and how it is pointless even to try as the list is never ending. some people might find optimism in this, like they would want to live for these wonderful songs still unknown to them, to discover those songs one by one as they get older. but i don't. to me, when i listen to a beautiful song that touches my heart, i always have this strong desire to find and listen to this kind of heart touching, brings-tears-to-my-eyes music, and then i realize that songs like this are endless and there's a 99% possibility of passing my whole life without listening to 99% percent of these beautiful songs. who knows, may be one of those unheard songs could've changed my life completely, may be i would be a totally different person then, a person who knows how to love, how to live. so what's the point of living, i ask myself. myself answers, can't think of any. and then i decide to die.

i'm completely stuck. the anti-depressants are not working i think. after spending an almost perfect day yesterday i found out what a terribly depressed person i have turned into. we were walking down canal walk...it was a long walk, the woman i was with was so full of life, and she is 36! i felt like 50 beside her. i don't have any life left inside me anymore. life is a long, tedious drag now. i am scared to shit about somebody committing suicide because of me...i am afraid of my friends' abandoning me...i am afraid how to deal with society and family when i go back home...it's too much pressure and i feel like i can't take it anymore. these are the times i feel like slitting my wrists. i think i will have to do it someday, that will save me the endless nightmares i have of someone out there committing suicide and murdering me in the process. revenge he said. yeah this is the new fashion in bangladesh i think. taking revenge on cheating husbands/wives by committing suicide. a perfect psychopathic plan to kill someone socially, morally, psychologically and finally physically because you are hurt. and if you have kids, kill them too. that would crush him to bits. those women! there are other kind of kids killing too. these other women go and kill their own children just to be with the guys they love. killing kids is the new hype. or may be it was there always, it's just the journalists. after all, these kinds of news sell like hotcakes. but i don't want to end up being a newspaper headline. i feel cornered. i guess it doesn't matter though. i mean, it's not like i'm living any life right now. fun is long gone, i can't remember when was the last time i have gone through an hour of peace. or even half an hour. i don't want to feel so depressed, i don't want to be a terrible person who goes around hurting people, i don't want to be the person who can't put f u n these three letters together anymore, i don't want to be the dumb, stupid, devoid of morals, selfish bitch that i am. i hate myself.

i haven't felt this down ever in my whole life. as if it was the love of my life. the ethical thing is like a slap on my face. i guess that's why it's bugging me so much. i didn't know it will come to this. is it wrong? i didn't really give any thought about it. i spent so little time on the dissertation so far, it just didn't cross my mind. and i do try to avoid thinking about these things as much as possible. but how did it come this far? i guess i asked for help. but that was a gesture of friendship! stupid me. and my line of ethics and morality was always a bit fuzzy. i don't know. i'm so fucked. i can't do anything or say anything...i'm scared! i feel like killing myself. whenever i thought about killing myself before, i thought about slitting my wrists. because i heard it was the most painless one. but today i was looking for the right way to do that, i found out i need the right kind of blade. otherwise it'll hurt like hell. and also they said something about cutting the right vein, according to them, the process shown in the movies is all wrong. now, how do i find the right vein for gods sake? i was thinking about throwing myself in front of a car or something, but that would be unnecessarily dramatic, and also, i think that car's going to stop just inches from me, and i'll have a hell of a time explaining that to the police. tube would have been a good option. but tube is in london. well i could travel i guess. all the way to london to throw myself on the track. sounds ridiculous. how else? sleeping pills don't work. i can starve myself to death i guess. i haven't eaten anything today, and if i don't eat anything for the whole next month..there's a chance? but i don't know, people survive. i'll end up looking like a starved somalian teenager. one option would be to drown myself. but i could never do that. that's like my worst nightmare, drowning. i hate the idea of not being able to breathe. my asthma is to be blamed for it i guess. but it could be done in a very romantic way, like virginia woolf...i'll collect stones all day, put them in the pockets of my coat, then jump into the canal? but walking around in a coat in this weather doesn't sound very appealing. horrific was sylvia plath's. i still can't understand how she put her head into that oven! it would be like the ultimate torture one can inflict upon oneself. and she was 30, i'm almost her age. i wish i was dead just like that. going to sleep at night, never waking up. that would be the perfect death anybody can wish for. but that's not going to happen though. i have dragged this life for the last 29 years, to a place i hate. and the future's not looking good either. i will drag it for god knows how many years...to nowhere. i wish there was a painless sure way to die. i would love to die tonight.

1 hour or so later...

just thought of another option. blowing your brains off with a gun. this is the most reasonable one. the pain would be the minimum, almost none at all. just a flicker of a second, and there you go! funny this option didn't cross my mind before, i'm reading news about brains blowing all the time. only problem is i don't have a gun. and it's difficult for me to even get one. they say uk has the strictest gun laws...so no hope. wish i was in the usa, getting a gun would be no problem whatsoever there.

the more i read, the more frustrated i get. i haven't really read anything either. just 4/5 pages of a single book? i can't concentrate. i feel like putting a stop to everything and getting lost somewhere. where to start? where? i hate history.

i am amazed to see people who like themseleves so much. they are so grateful for just being here, always trying to make the most of what is called life. and the worst thing is, i keep meeting these type of people all the time. i mean, what is there to like about? it's all fucked up. i sometimes feel like shaking them hysterically and shouting 'wake up, life is NOT beautiful, it's shit!'

i feel terrible. i can't work, i can't study. and i'm having serious doubts about my academic ability. i have achieved one realization through this masters - i can't write! i am a terrible writer, i hate whatever shit i write. i can't organize my thoughts. i'm actually scared of writing. i don't understand any kind of jargon, because they are so confusing my gawwwwwwwd! i don't know what to do. i'm not beautiful that i'd get a wealthy husband who'll look after me (not that i'd ever like to have one, it's just an option). and i'm not capable of looking after myself either! i'm shit at studies. and i dont like jobs in banks or in any kind of multinationals corporations. what am i going to do! i hate myself. i could be beautiful, but no, i had to be the ugliest creature i've ever seen. i could be intellgent, but no, i had to be the stupidest person i've ever known (except for my pakistani ex-housemate, i think she beats me to it, but that's no consolation!). aarrgh. i miss my friends. they're all gone. friends all gone is not a nice feeling. i just can't feel like being friends with girls who want to fix me up with a guy from UK so that i don't feel lonely. i mean hello, that's not the sole purpose of friendship! to find your friend a boyfriend. i wish i tried harder for that oklahoma thing. i need sharmee now. i need somebody who'll love me even though i'm so ugly and stupid and who possesses nothing to be loved. i feel another depression coming in. summer doesnt help. and there goes my dissertation. i'm going to end up with a 40% mark overall, and that's worse than no degree at all. i hate myself. why am i so stupid? why? why? why? why can't i write? what's wrong with me? everyone around me is so intelligent. how did i manage to become so dumb? so terribly dumb? and that's why i always go and make a mess of everything. my dumbness is the one to blame. i know it for sure now. well, at least i know myself. yeah, but i hate me!

i think i have ADD. i can't seem to concentrate for a minute! i try to write my essays that are due next week, but whenever i open the word document or a book, i seem to drift away somewhere, and without even noticing i've opened facebook or some blog to waste an hour or so, then i remember i am supposed to study so i open the word doc or the book once again, and just after a minute or two i'm back on the internet, searching for things that would successfully waste all the time i've got. i don't really know what to do about it.

i am going to start a part time job from next month, the pay is very little, hardly enough to support even my monthly expense, but it's not like i have any other option. and it requires me to work for 3 hours a day for 5 days a week, exactly at the same time everyday. this is gonna be pretty hard for me i think as the working hour is from 1pm to 4 pm weekdays. i can't really go anywhere...no holidays, nothing. well, i think i have to sacrifice something if i plan to survive alone. i was thinking today, if i die before any of my family members die, that would be wonderful, as there won't be any guilt involved from my part. morbid thought, but i was always sort of morbid wasn't i? i figured out life is so much easier when you live alone, yes, you do feel lonely, you miss company, you miss cuddling, you miss sex, but it's a lot easier once you get to learn to live without the things that you miss. provided, however, that you have money enough to support you. without money, it's not just worth it. i guess that is why most girls in our country get married, to have a nice amount of money stashed somewhere so that they don't have to end up on the streets. their husbands are the stashed amount of money. well, even i feel like getting married to a stinking rich man and never have a worry in the world. it's funny how all the worries in the world relates to money somehow. at least for me. i wish i'd get a proper job soon. worrying all the time is killing me. i have finally decided to dye my hair (which will cost money, so i think that won't happen as well), now that 80% of them have turned gray, it doesn't look cool anymore, with the lines on my face, i look literally old. i never cared about looks, but i didn't plan to be looking like a 50 year woman when i'm 30. so it came as a bit of a shock. the only positive thing is, i am living proof that worrying makes the hair turn gray! i don't wish for anything these days, i just wish all my worries are over. i'm so tired of worrying. and i can't share with anyone. that is another big problem. people seem to take me as a happy person who doesn't have a worry in the world. this is so ironic! but it always happens with me though. when i was all happy or feeling quite ok, people ask me 'are you ok? you look sad/exhausted/tired/raped/dead/or something else of that sort'. and now that i'm worrying 24/7, people think i'm as light as a feather. may be it has something to do with my crooked personality, it's so weird...even i don't know what i'm doing or saying most of the time. oh god, i'm demented.

i so want to write something but i don't know what to write about. i am worried sick though. my money's all running out. only positive thing is i'm paying half of my loans back. but the thought of the future...it's scary. i somehow managed not to think about it for some time now, but it's creeping on me again these days...it happens whenever i look at my account balance to be exact. and it makes me feel so small, thinking about money all the time. but what can i do? 'a girl has got to eat'! i wish i was young and pretty and single, then i could marry some rich guy and be an intellectual housewife, who takes piano lessons in the morning and entertains all kinds of poets, artists, musicians at her beautifully decorated 'drawing room' in the evening! lol!

one of the bad things about living alone is feeling like crying at the slightest opportunity. so i try to avoid any sad/nostalgic/mellow/depressing books/blogs/movies/songs with all my might. but somehow or other one sneaky incredibly wretched blog/song/movie creeps up into your eyes/ears and there you are, crying your hearts out. and when you start to cry, you are not just crying about the memory that was stirred by the writeup/song...you cry for all the misfortunes that has happened in your life. you go through all the things that has happened to you from time immemorial...and you feed on the misery that your life has bestowed upon you, from time immemorial. and when you are done with that, you ponder upon how you have spent the last one week doing absolutely nothing whiling away the time browsing the internet, and you cry a little more. when that's over you think about how you practically haven't eaten anything from the day before yesterday except munching on some cornflakes this morning just because you didn't feel like moving your lazy ass to cook something, and you shed tears over that too. and you were supposed to clean the room this weekend that ended yesterday. and you were supposed to do the groceries. and you cancelled the meeting with your teacher today. and you don't know what to do about those essays. and you feel like shit. and your future looks so grim. and you are so alone. and nobody loves you. every little thing that somehow or other concerns 'me' is a cause for a celebration of crying! my god, how pathetic can i get!

well, anyways, writing a blog always helps. the crying's finally over. the way it was going on, by now i would have been picturing my life 40 years later and crying over that too. better go sleep now.

birthday banter

birthdays. why do they matter? why do all the people get so excited if they come to know that the day that you've been born is coming up next week? i don't know if it ever mattered to me. i mean, yes it did, if it was my friend's birthday...as i never wanted to be accused of forgetting their birthdays even though i'm sure they'll never remember mine if there wasn't a niece/nephew of theirs born just the day before mine or the day after. to me, my birthday never meant anything. i always feel uncomfortable when people come up to me, be it friends, families or strangers, and wish me a happy birthday...i always hate to be the center of attraction. although i remember one incident when my going-to-be first husband forgot my birthday, and i felt sad. i wonder why. i guess it was because i was surrounded by friends when he turned up and they were expecting a surprise from him, and i knew that they were expecting a surprise from him, and so when it became clear that he had totally forgotten about the day, i felt embarrassed. so that was it, it wasn't sadness. it was embarrassment. i hate to be embarrassed too. i hate a lot of things.

so i decided the main point of getting excited about birthdays is getting presents. and my luck with presents was never very good. my parents always bought a cake, and i wasn't a very big fan of cakes except for admiring how pretty they looked. and for the last couple of years they bought me clothes which being a bit picky, i would never wear. my partners always asked me what i wanted for my birthday days before, and i always thought about what i needed, like a perfume or a pair of shoes or something like that. so it didn't really have the 'present' feel to it. the only birthday present i remember worth keeping was a book, 'gone with the wind'. it was from tuhi. i found the book in a second hand bookstore deep inside the labyrinth of neelkhet used book corner...i went there a few times just to touch it...it was a beautifully bound red-covered old tanned-paged book with a wonderful smell between the pages, which i wanted so much but couldn't afford. i still remember the price. it was 150 taka. so when tuhi asked me what i wanted for my birthday, i didn't have to think twice. she gave me the money and i got the book. and i lost it too. i tend to leave everything that i adore whenever i leave someone or someplace. then i miss them terribly, but it's always too late when i try to recover them. and the presents friends brought me when they came back from somewhere abroad...i don't think they count as presents, as they are like those mass things you bring back because you know you have to give everyone something...well, i myself do that. i mean, well, i went there to travel for god's sake, i don't have time to shop for you people!

anyways, so apart from the expectation of presents, birthdays don't really mean anything. and one of my friends agrees with me. another doesn't though. she likes being special for one day. and she couldn't believe me when i told her over and over that no, i am not sad that everybody forgot about it. i felt comfortable, for once in my life i felt really at ease on the day that i was born 29 years ago. of course there was a mail from my mother wishing me a happy birthday and at the same time telling me if i don't 'deny' my birth, i should call them. and another from my current husband saying he couldn't surprise me this year. well, those were expected. and no, i don't 'deny' my birth, i can't really do that, can i? it's not like i have a choice or anything. but i'm not going to call them anymore. it's not worth it...i'm sure i'll again end up running away...and i don't want them to go through this over and over again. ok, where was i? yeah, feeling special.

yes, it's not like you're special only on your birthday right? i mean if i love you, i won't love you more on your birthday, no i won't. i will wish you on your birthday, just to be sure that you don't accuse me of forgetting your birthday afterwards. and i will buy you a present, because you'll be happy and that's like, the custom. so, why, apart from the presents, is a birthday special to someone? specially if you're turning 29 (though according to your passport you've turned 28, but that's not much of a consolation when you know your original birthyear)? i remember being in a cranky mood all day when i realized i had turned 28 last year. god, 28 was like o.l.d.! and now here i am, 29, happy that there's another year to go before i officially become 30 something. i am getting old. i have lines on my face, half of my hairs have turned grey, i feel tired more often these days...i don't know if it's the age or the tension that i'm in day and night. well, doesn't matter though. getting old is no fun. and if you're getting old and you still don't know what you're gonna do with your life, it's worse.

conclusion: birthdays are bullshit.

i. if i had to pick the things i like and dislike as the director does in the movie 'amelie', half-washed dishes/spoons in the drying rack would be the number 1 on my dislike list.

ii. what has gone wrong with anjan dutt? i wonder. ok so he wants to be a movie director. but please. what's with the weird soundtrack? first he kills the otherwise perfect 'pagla hawa' by ooh lala-ing, and now i found this...





makes me shudder everytime i hear the words 'ong bong chhong'!

what a weather today! gray clouds all over the sky, and they move! now and then, the sun peeks through the clouds...and the sudden beautiful bright light that can only be seen on rainy days, the light that makes everything and everyone look so pretty and loveable and soft, that you want to reach over and touch them... there's a gentle wind blowing, no rain yet, but it seems like it's going to rain soon...beautiful weather, almost makes me feel like i'm in dhaka. at least when i'm inside the room and looking outside through my window :P. i bet it's quite chilly outside. but still, it makes me feel like going out and getting wet in the rain. don't want to think of the troubles anymore. no more hours of staying up late, panicked about the future, hugging my knees to keep myself warm. just living in the present. that's the only thing that works. eat healthy, sleep healthy, live healthy. and now my professor wants me to write an essay on the role of religion in indian independence. oh bugger!

4.41am. two movies in a row. 'chhor do achal zamana keya kahega'. one corned beef sandwich with tomatoes and olives. sour. no sleep. no studying. no working. am i depressed? somebody asked in the evening. watch hindi movie songs. wow, rap! oh, it's a hindi song again. remixed. need a shower. cold. want to hide. want or need? have to buy a heater. and a 'gappa dekhe badhakopi'. 'laal tuktuke tomato'. frozen tomatoes? they don't exist. nor does frozen cucumbers. facebook. allposters. pulp fiction. 8.99 pounds. can't afford. will buy a record player when will have money. and a place of own. virginia woolf? to the lighthouse. pet society. trees. mystery. but don't like fantasy. have to finish the bfg. the outsider. existentialism. i don't exist. don't want to. who does? outlines next week. and presentation. spirited away? the red room. downstairs. chinatown. parade. peace. rainbow colored sign. earrings? cindy lauper. hair dye. purple. room. i want. very girly. i am not. will do. cold feet. hate hate hate. guns and roses. guns. not roses. everything ugly. nothing nice. nice is bad. nice is the new bad. nice is the new bad. nice is the new bad. down down down down down. hideous song. run away. i want to. now it's 5:03 am. sleep sleep. where art thou? oh brother. clooney. looney! toons. wabbit. oh susanne don't you cry for me. hoboes. big rock candy mountains. they hung the jerk who invented work! or may be the clown. i don't know. i know nothing. i stand by myself. myself. myself.

well well

i've been considering devoting myself to work for the last few days. i mean i was busy considering for the last few days, not doing any work. and of course, whenever i sit down with my mind set on working and working only, i always remember things like the unwashed duvet cover or the un-vacuummed carpet or the unwashed dishes in the sink or the yet unseen friend updates on facebook. i do all that and discover it's 12am. i have to get up early tomorrow, i have appointments starting from 11 o'clock. but how can i go to sleep without doing anything today? so i start working. then i think...well, i saw that photo from the physics dept. alumni group on facebook, how about the group that we had on facebook? our english dept. group? ok, i'll just have a quick look if it's still active or not then get back to work again. so i go and check it. wow, this group has 250+ pictures. let's see these...after all, we all belong to the same clan! so i spend another one and a half hour looking at pictures of people i barely know. and after that, i get so nostalgic, i think, well, what do i do with all these beautiful emotions? let's write a blog! and i start writing thinking i would write about shushilda, and nasir bhai, and the corridor, and the notice board, and the river cruise where in all the pictures i look like a cranky mother of two, and the teachers whom i hated and loved at the same time, and all the lovely faces on the corridor (at least they seem lovely now, if not then :S), and all the friends i miss so much, and all the regrets that i didn't spend enough time in the dept. which i should have, and all the alumni get-togethers that i missed, and the convocation, yes i missed that too,, and being so reserved back then when i should have been more open and friendly, and all the known faces in the pictures whom i saw in the corridor but never cared to talk... but no, this blog turns into a dissection of my procrastination, and a proof of how miserable i am or my life is, which is nothing new though, that's what all my blogs are about! now it's 1am in the morning and i'm blabbering like a drunkard. i should stop this and go back to work. which i'm gonna do just right now.

i never thought i'd be so lost at some point of my life. i always thought i knew what i was getting into. but apparently i didnt. i'm so stupid. and fucked up. i never thought i'd think i'm fucked up. yeah, people might think i'm fucked up. but me thinking i'm fucked up, that's whole another thing. i feel completely lost. i donno what to do. i think i should go sleep. a few hours when i forget everything. but it's worse when i wake up. and i cant cry. i feel like it, but i cant. i guess i'll cry when i go back to my room tomorrow. crying would ease this pain a bit. i hope.