i'm completely stuck. the anti-depressants are not working i think. after spending an almost perfect day yesterday i found out what a terribly depressed person i have turned into. we were walking down canal walk...it was a long walk, the woman i was with was so full of life, and she is 36! i felt like 50 beside her. i don't have any life left inside me anymore. life is a long, tedious drag now. i am scared to shit about somebody committing suicide because of me...i am afraid of my friends' abandoning me...i am afraid how to deal with society and family when i go back home...it's too much pressure and i feel like i can't take it anymore. these are the times i feel like slitting my wrists. i think i will have to do it someday, that will save me the endless nightmares i have of someone out there committing suicide and murdering me in the process. revenge he said. yeah this is the new fashion in bangladesh i think. taking revenge on cheating husbands/wives by committing suicide. a perfect psychopathic plan to kill someone socially, morally, psychologically and finally physically because you are hurt. and if you have kids, kill them too. that would crush him to bits. those women! there are other kind of kids killing too. these other women go and kill their own children just to be with the guys they love. killing kids is the new hype. or may be it was there always, it's just the journalists. after all, these kinds of news sell like hotcakes. but i don't want to end up being a newspaper headline. i feel cornered. i guess it doesn't matter though. i mean, it's not like i'm living any life right now. fun is long gone, i can't remember when was the last time i have gone through an hour of peace. or even half an hour. i don't want to feel so depressed, i don't want to be a terrible person who goes around hurting people, i don't want to be the person who can't put f u n these three letters together anymore, i don't want to be the dumb, stupid, devoid of morals, selfish bitch that i am. i hate myself.