dhrubo is in dhaka right now. he left his number in an offline message on my messenger when i was out. it was a couple of days back, and i dont remember how i felt after coming to know that he's finally in bangladesh. i didnt do anything, i mean, i didnt flip out or do a dance or go completely hysterical...i just saved his number on my phone, and called him. talked to him as if he were a friend from the past, not a best friend, just a good friend. then we talked on the messenger for a while, he too, like me, seems not to like to talk on the phone very much. we decided to meet the next day, which was the day before yesterday, when nobody will be home.
what did we do when we first saw each other? nope, we didnt run and hug each other tight, or hold hands, or do anything that we planned in those endless conversations that we had one and a half years ago...we met as if we were two distant friends meeting each other, doing the usual social talk, keeping a safe distance, he joking about my untidiness, me trying to bug him about his going-to-be wife, and so on..
i dont remember how we were lying in each others arms just one hour later...was it me? was it him? who cares anyways? we were there, just as we dreamed a year and a half ago...the difference was back then we thought it'd be forever, but now we know that we belong to two completely separate worlds. i dont know what happened to me, i suddenly wanted it all...almost begging him for more,,, pushing him further and further...and then he couldnt take it anymore and said something that i wont forget for the rest of my life...and that was the moment i realized, he doesnt love me! i dont know if he ever did, i could never know, but i know he doesnt love me now. i didnt cry, nope, haven't shed a drop of tear since then, but something broke inside me just then...something is lost forever...and i dont know if i'll ever be able to get out of this lost feeling...its irreplaceable, its irreparable.
everything went nicely afterwards,,, i told him that i understand his feelings and its ok, and apologized for losing my head, he 'its okay'-ed me back...then we switched back to the social talk again, went out to meet vashkar in his office and had pizza together...we were back to our 'old friends' mode...and it works! in that mode we can communicate...without any guilt or sympathy coming between us...and no shitty love thing of course!
he said he cant love someone who loves another person along with him at the same time. i think he doesnt even believe that such a thing is possible. well, i didnt believe it either until i got caught in this labyrinth. vashkar understands, and he is trying to take everything easy, but i know how hard it is for him. i wish i could erase those two months from my memory forever like they did in that movie. everything will just be perfect then. well, may be. and anyways, thats the same thing i wished while i was having those all-day-all-night-long conversations with dhrubo, erasing the memories of the past. its no use, i cant erase all the memories of the past. nobody can. i have to live with them. life is such a mess sometimes!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
basking in miyazaki sun! (feverish gibberish 2)
two weeks. sounds like a long time...but is it really? this week's almost over, then there's only one left, which will be gone in no time. then again will start the mundane 9-whatever work. which is better? sitting at home surfing the net, watching movies alone, reading a book, getting bored of being alone,,, or office? may be we should do both. like, 3.5 days at work, and 3.5 days spent at home? hmm...i dont know whats gotten into me..thinking all these rubbish.
im watching miyazaki like crazy these days. one per day! today went with 'castle in the sky', yesterday it was 'kikis delivery service'. after watching spirited away, these films remind me of herge's The Adventures of Jo, Zette and Jocko. good enough, but not quite like The Adventures of Tintin...which is more mature, and more detailed. howl's moving castle is good too, but that lovey dovey thing ruined it a bit. im not against love or anything like that, but love is so cliche in animations. one thing i really loved about 'kiki's delivery service' and 'castle in the sky', that is flying is the main theme for both of them. everybody wants to fly, children or grown-ups. i think every child at least once in his/her life gave a thought about being a pilot and exploring beyond the sky. its really fascinating to see that wonderful pirate airplane, and we get to see the engine room too! the watch-tower (the crow's nest) could be turned into a kite and can be flown high up with the string binding it to the main airship! imagine that in disney movies...huh! they'll just make some animals, toys and fishes talk and go for a kid-like adventure! in miyazaki's films there're so much imagination at work!...may be that's why i liked harry potter, for all the new things...for that wonderful out of the world experience!
well, look at me, i dont exactly know why im suddenly being so excited about miyazaki films...am i still a bit feverish? hope not.
there's some talk about going to cox's bazar this thursday. some of our friends are going. vashkar is quite interested...i'm not so sure...but may be a change will do some good to my health? well, that's what doctors recommend sometimes right? change of weather? may be the fresh air at sea will do miracle to my health....
urrrrghh! to whom am i addressing my excuses huh? if i go i'll go, if i wont, i wont. im all independent self-deciding woman. umm.. or may be i should toss a coin or something? :S
im watching miyazaki like crazy these days. one per day! today went with 'castle in the sky', yesterday it was 'kikis delivery service'. after watching spirited away, these films remind me of herge's The Adventures of Jo, Zette and Jocko. good enough, but not quite like The Adventures of Tintin...which is more mature, and more detailed. howl's moving castle is good too, but that lovey dovey thing ruined it a bit. im not against love or anything like that, but love is so cliche in animations. one thing i really loved about 'kiki's delivery service' and 'castle in the sky', that is flying is the main theme for both of them. everybody wants to fly, children or grown-ups. i think every child at least once in his/her life gave a thought about being a pilot and exploring beyond the sky. its really fascinating to see that wonderful pirate airplane, and we get to see the engine room too! the watch-tower (the crow's nest) could be turned into a kite and can be flown high up with the string binding it to the main airship! imagine that in disney movies...huh! they'll just make some animals, toys and fishes talk and go for a kid-like adventure! in miyazaki's films there're so much imagination at work!...may be that's why i liked harry potter, for all the new things...for that wonderful out of the world experience!
well, look at me, i dont exactly know why im suddenly being so excited about miyazaki films...am i still a bit feverish? hope not.
there's some talk about going to cox's bazar this thursday. some of our friends are going. vashkar is quite interested...i'm not so sure...but may be a change will do some good to my health? well, that's what doctors recommend sometimes right? change of weather? may be the fresh air at sea will do miracle to my health....
urrrrghh! to whom am i addressing my excuses huh? if i go i'll go, if i wont, i wont. im all independent self-deciding woman. umm.. or may be i should toss a coin or something? :S
Monday, July 9, 2007
feverish gibberish!
i took two weeks off from the office. nope, its not for a vacation in paris or the seychelles (ah, how i wish..), its for the horrible ugly cough i got. the cough is not that bad these days...but the weakness is almost killing me. as long as i stay in bed, read books, write a blog, im fine. but the moment i step outside, my legs start to think they are marshmallows!
the team leader isnt very happy about the whole thing i think. well, hello, I am the sufferer here! you are there all healthy and lively, working away the hours, not a worry in the world, well, look at me, pale, drained, coughing my inside out, bedridden, worrying every minute if this shitty state will be with me the rest of my life...god, i pity myself! never ever did i think something like this could happen. ok, i always did look sickly, but i seldom fell sick rite? its horrible, to be like this. not that i feel like jumping to work, i was never a workaholic, a lazy-bum is the word which describes me perfectly. but still, i dont feel good inside a sick body. i dont want to be strong and all like schwarzenegger or whatever, just a body that is not coughing all the time, not weakened by the change of the weather, and whose limbs behave just like themselves. yes, im quite happy with that. errr, why do these ramblings of mine remind me of professor 'enry 'iggins? better stop this topic here.
so two weeks in my hand, should i make a list of the things i should do? umm..well, on second thought, may be i shouldnt, the future of any to-do list i made in the past was something i should not talk about. anyways, i think im gonna watch some movies, read some good books, and try to write reviews on them (ah, sounds so good!). and try to put an entry here everyday? well, lets just think about it ok?
the team leader isnt very happy about the whole thing i think. well, hello, I am the sufferer here! you are there all healthy and lively, working away the hours, not a worry in the world, well, look at me, pale, drained, coughing my inside out, bedridden, worrying every minute if this shitty state will be with me the rest of my life...god, i pity myself! never ever did i think something like this could happen. ok, i always did look sickly, but i seldom fell sick rite? its horrible, to be like this. not that i feel like jumping to work, i was never a workaholic, a lazy-bum is the word which describes me perfectly. but still, i dont feel good inside a sick body. i dont want to be strong and all like schwarzenegger or whatever, just a body that is not coughing all the time, not weakened by the change of the weather, and whose limbs behave just like themselves. yes, im quite happy with that. errr, why do these ramblings of mine remind me of professor 'enry 'iggins? better stop this topic here.
so two weeks in my hand, should i make a list of the things i should do? umm..well, on second thought, may be i shouldnt, the future of any to-do list i made in the past was something i should not talk about. anyways, i think im gonna watch some movies, read some good books, and try to write reviews on them (ah, sounds so good!). and try to put an entry here everyday? well, lets just think about it ok?
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