nostalgia

the weather was behaving pretty weird for the last couple of months. while we (people) knew exactly what the season is and what the temperature should be like at this time of the year, the weather had no idea whatsoever. so it kind of went crazy and threw at us a scorching sun for a while, then out of nowhere came some sudden shower for a few days, then a no-rain-no-sun-but-only-terrible-humidity for some days. almost all the people in the city is coughing or sneezing these days. me, i just recovered from a month long cold. well, not fully recovered yet, the cough is still there. but my illness is not the reason i started talking about the weather all of a sudden. what i wanted to say was, last night it seemed like the weather is finally getting the hang of the season and started to make some sense. it's end of october, the cold should start to cover the city up day by day, and last night's cool air kind of announced that winter is coming after all.

i don't know if it is me only or it happens to everyone, winter always makes me feel nostalgic. and it's becoming worse as i'm growing older. i miss all the places i have been to all my life. i have this theory that i leave a part of myself in every city i've been to, so every year there's some new place added to the list. so whenever i'm down or nostalgic, i want to run away to one of those places. last night while i was on a rickshaw, feeling a little cold, edinburgh came to my mind. i spent only a weekend there a year ago, but it is by far the most beautiful place i have ever been to. sunny and green, flowery hills and green valleys, happy faces everywhere, there was nothing there not to be liked about. then when i went to sleep i missed coventry, the cold nights i went to sleep wrapped up in that ridiculously large duvet i bought because of a miscalucation about the size of the bed (but it was so comfortable, ummm). the big window with dark blue curtains overlooking the back garden, midnight rain tapping on the windowpane...it was so peaceful! then today when i woke up, i missed barisal. waking up at dawn, going to the backyard for 'pithas' nanu used to make for breakfast. holding the hot 'bhapa pitha' to warm the fingers all numb from cold while watching tiny rays of sun mingling with smoke and fog, the smell of fog and fire burning from the woods...that's the closest to fairyland i could ever get! now talking about nanubari, i have totally forgotten what i missed when i started writing this blog. i miss nanubari. i really wish i could go back there. seriously, it's 2011, shouldn't the time machine be invented by now? ok, at least a teleporter? urggh! the human race is a disgrace!

so blogger has a new interface and it's all very cool and new. don't know if i like it yet. the older i get the more i dislike changes. not good at all.

just felt like writing something but have absolutely no idea what. let's try putting in what i did all day. woke up around 11 (am). ate two oreos, watched the latest episodes of how i met your mother, then had lunch around 2. after that browsed some internet, listened to some music (oh, talking of music, i can't get enough of yo la tengo, coolest band i've heard in a while!) and when my laptop shut down because of power failure (i need to get a new battery asap), read agatha cristie ('murder on the orient express', i don't know why i'm reading it, finding it pretty boring). and in the evening went to a chinese place and had beef with black bean sauce. so that was all.

it's 2.30am now. should go to sleep. bye bye well-dressed blog. see you again someday.

terrible, terrible life.

i hate my job. who wants to come back from lunch with stomach full of beef and browse through news like 'wife who murdered and cooked husband on thanksgiving denied parole' when what she actually wants to find is 'man shoots wife with an illegal gun, goes out and loots a firearm shop, then goes into a shooting spree on the street and commits suicide afterwards. p.s. all of them with illegal guns'. god. i've been doing this for too long now. i mean, i am coming to doubt about my ability to do anything else. all i'm good at is tracking down news of shooting deaths which involve illegal guns. well, even a kindergartener can do this. i had high hopes of myself. like becoming a very good researcher, with an excellent academic record, working as an aid worker, saving the world bla bla. it's all down the drain. i'm the most dumbest person i know. i am no good at writing, so bye bye academics. and if you're not in academics, you can say goodbye to the dream of becoming a researcher too. and as for an aid worker, well, it requires experience, and guess what experience i've gathered after 4 years of work. collecting news from the internet. wait, what do you say? yes, i agree. even a child who knows how to read english can do that.

bad day today. i accidentally scraped some skin off my gum with my fingernail. i am not gonna describe how it happened exactly because i think nobody needs to know that. but it hurts like hell. i think i'm going to have to deal with it for weeks. calcium, that's what i need right now! 

a couple of days ago 3 people died, who were very close to somebody i care about. i still haven't had the courage to face her, even after some morale boost up from sharmee. i'm not only a complete nincompoop, but also a coward. somebody once said i'm not a fighter, i only pretend to be a fighter. he was right. i run away from problems. and anything that i'm afraid to confront with. i would've been a disgrace if my country was at war with india or myanmar or japan or the usa right now. then again, i'm not that big a nationalist. god, i wish this insignificant, pitiful life was over with already.

flu and the living dead

i think a few months (or is it years!) ago i decided to keep journal entries. like every other decision of my life, this one too was buried somewhere deep inside my mind and very conveniently forgotten. last couple of days i've been almost bedridden with seasonal flu, and that journal idea appeared suddenly, like a zombie, all muddy and creepy. soon it was living and breathing again and was almost good as new. i felt excited (again) at the prospect of writing daily logs every time before going to bed. although i'm quite sure this is temporary, it will be a matter of a few days when i'll bury this great idea again, hoping it will be ressurected soon by some unknown power (might be seasonal flu), the idea is still in it's prime. so i will be keeping something like a journal from now on, but not exactly before i go to bed. like now, it's 11 am and i just woke up an hour ago.

so yeah, my routine is fixed, thanks to the flu. my work backlogs are cleared, which is a big relief. now i really need to focus on the thesis. time allocation would be, work till 5, study from 7. i really really hope this works.

umm, i haven't recovered from the flu yet, so my eyes hurt and gets all watery when i stare at the computer for long. i think i'll go now and lie down a little. see you tomorrow, blog!

back

it's been a long time since i've last logged in to this blog. i feel kind of guilty about it. i started writing in a bangla blog for a while, but it was not quite the same as writing here. only a couple of friends care to come to this blog of mine, compared to this, that bangla blog made me feel exposed. it feels good sometimes, being exposed. but not all the time. i was missing the quietness and secret hideaway-like comfort this poor overlooked blog of mine provides me, and so i'm back .. i'm sure if this blog was a living object it would throw a tantrum, or at least sulk for a while. or may be it is sulking, it's just that i don't understand blog lingo.

my life needs serious attention. and when i say attention i mean attention. from me. i am whiling away the hours like i have all the time in the world. but i don't have all the time in the world. i have a thesis to write, and a job to concentrate and a million of applications to send. but all i do all day is watch movies, go out to eat, play farmville and sleep 12 hours a day. this is not going anywhere. i know i am not keen on taking my life anywhere particular, but i hate to be stuck somewhere. and not getting stuck somewhere needs some hard work. too bad i know, but it can't be helped.

so i need a plan of action. what could that be? i have to write that thesis, i have wasted one year 'pretending' to write it, but the fact is, i'm nowhere near starting it even. the main problem i'm facing is concentrating. which can be helped by deactivating my facebook account may be? sure i could live without facebook, i lived 27 years of my life without it, didn't i? that would save a lot of my time. ok that being settled, i need to sit for an ielts exam. the authorities think your english language skill deteriorates after a while, so the english test comes with an expiry date. according to them, my 'skills' are expired, so i need to go and take the same goddamn test again which is going to cost me a fair amount of money. education, like every other thing, is a business after all.

i have another plan, teaching in a local school for a few months or so. just to get some idea how shitty our 'bangla medium' education is compared to the 'english medium' ones. so i need to visit some of these schools too, to see if they'll accept me as a teacher.

loads of plans. like always i am the queen of plans, full of possibilities, culminating into...nada!

quake quake!

my day-dreams are always more real than real dreams. so are my nightmares. i think it's normal. you have full control over your day-dreams or day-mares. when you're asleep your subconcscious plays with your memory, and god, does it like to play! it twists and distorts every single thing that's on your mind, filling it up with illogical reasonings so that when you wake up you can laugh it away. but when you're day-dreaming or day-maring, you think logically; you find options to choose from; you decide what will happen; or what should happen if we're really in such a situation. may be you'll choose the wrong option, but still, you'll be fully aware that you're choosing the wrong option, and so you'd be ready to take the outcome. i don't know if it is true for everyone, but it surely is for me!

after the japan earthquake, i often have this day-mare thing, that everything around me is shaking like crazy. the world around me tries to do a little dance and i look around to figure out if i should run for the door right then. but everytime i realize that it's just my imagination. sometimes if i have time, i let my imagination run as fast as it can. i picture myself caught in an earthshattering earthquake...clattering sounds everywhere, of stuffs breaking. a wall collapses on my room and i'm trapped. i can't get out. i know there's no point crying for help, as everyone is trying to save themselves...so i jump from my first floor window and i damage my legs in that process. but i drag myself away from all these buildings as fast as i can, but where can i go? so many buildings are toppling over all at once, and there're buildings all around me. somehow i get to the street, and from there i observe people screaming, running for their lives, and buildings tilting on one another and then finally collapsing. and then i remember my books. and my laptop where so many loved songs are stored. and those tiny little things kept in a box that i thought had value because each of them had a little sweet memory attached to it. gone. all gone. everyone's running. and i start running too, thinking about all the people i care about. are they alive? is any of them trapped under some wreck and crying for help right now? how many of them are dead already? i hear someone shouting for rescue, i can see he's trapped under a hell lot of rubbles, his limbs stuck under some walls in an unusual position. i can't help him, that's a whole building over him. he needs a proper rescue team, so i keep walking. or, maybe i go and try to help him. i never know when my humane side comes up. usually i ignore this type of situation where i know my involvement is not gonna help in anyway. but may be in this particular situation i will go to help him. i sometimes break my own rules. this could be one of those times. i try to clear the rubbles, but i know i can never do it. but i keep doing it nonetheless, for hours. the voice begins to get weaker and weaker till only a little whimpering can be heard. then after a while it's complete silence. i look at the man, must be around my age, may be a bit older...and he's dead. i stop trying to rescue him. rescuing was never my thing. i tried before, but failed miserably. this time is no exception. i sit down on a platform formed by some collapsed walls and look around me. it looks like a bad hollywood sci-fi movie set.

well, this is where my imagination halts a bit. shouldn't there be dusts? and fire, of course, with so many electric cables hanging from all the poles, in every street. so how come i'm alive till now? logic says i'm dead. even if i've survived the collapsing buildings, breathing in the massive level of dust created from the rubbles is gonna kill me. or if that doesn't happen i would of course die from a high voltage shock from one of the loose cables hanging dangerously from one of those electric poles, killing everyone in it's path. or fire. roasted alive, like hell i'm gonna die. i think one big earthquake is gonna solve all the problems in bangladesh. 90% people living in dhaka are gonna die. 50% people living in chittagong are gonna die from the tsunami (if that happens). so it's good news i guess. dhaka could be planned in a better way when it's re-built. well what the fuck do i care, i'm dead already!

me

it's been almost 1 month since my last post. i have wasted myself successfully during this one month. all my resolutions of not chatting or blogging have been forgotten, instead i have spent all my time reading other's blogs, and posting stupid comments. all in bangla, because i really like the way the bengali fonts show up when i type. they are bigger and brighter, and beautiful as well. i have done absolutely no work on my dissertation. and the workload is getting worse as pending deliveries are piling up every week. all because of trying to keep my mind off a certain thing. but does it help? no, it doesn't. but i think i'm stronger than the person i was 5 years back, and also the situation is quite different this time. that is the only hope i've got.

i should stop blogging in bangla. it's not like i'm writing anything useful there anyways. just daily logs, which i can keep here, with the safety of privacy. i really need to finish this dissertation, i can't believe i have dragged it till now. but that's me. procrastination is my motto of life. i have all the materials required, i keep collecting everything i can get my hands on regarding the chittagong hill tracts. so i think i have enough resource now. i just need to sit down, concentrate and write. once i finish it, i'm free! i can look for other jobs, hopefully outside dhaka, i really need to get away from this place. i can read whatever i want to! and what a comfort that's gonna be! i have bought so many books from the boimela, but i can't read any of them. cause whenever i open a book, i feel like i shouldn't start reading it, as all i should be reading now is my thesis stuff...so i put the book down and start blogging instead! ok, problem identified. blogging. i should stop it. it's not like hanging out with people and chatting with newly acquired blog-friends are helping me get over my frustrations. so i am not gonna miss it. i am gonna try to be productive and all that crap. and it starts from today. after i come back from boimela, that is.

right now reading 'sleep' by murakami. it's about a woman who can't sleep. but she is not fatigued, not sleeping has somehow made her more energetic and 'young-looking', quite the opposite effect of not having sleep. basically it's about how mechanical (in fact, the character does say that she feels like a 'machine') life can be for a housewife belonging to a well-to-do nucleur family. a story about boredom! the way murakami dealt with this boring plot....i think he's a magician!

anyways, i envy this woman. i want to lose sleep, and not feel the least fatigued. i could get so much work done that way!

i'm smoking too much. i was thinking, if i have cancer now, what's gonna happen? i don't have any family and i don't expect much from my friends. and anyways, cancer is cancer. i have no intention of going through endless chemotherapy and medication just to be alive. i wish i could afford that thing in switzerland where they help you commit suicide. (haha, that sounds so weird!). well, it is legal there, committing suicide if you don't want to live. i guess you have got to have a proper reason for it. i read about it once. they will give you something to drink, it'll taste nice, not the kind of thing that will make you twitch your face like they show in the movies. and then after 15 minutes or so, you'll die, peacefully! ah, the thought of a peaceful death brings a smile to my face. but i can't afford it. it costs a lot (around 5000 euros!). what kind of a world do we live in? you want to die peacefully? PAY for it! goddamn corporates!

got to see meherjaan. apparently it has disregarded the 'emotions' of the bangali people. we are a very emotional nation. from the sound and look of it, it seems like a hell of a boring movie. but i have to see it now as my head is bursting with so much information about the yet unseen movie, and mostly because so many people are joining forces to ban the movie (yes, they are talking about 'banning' it!). planning to watch it this weekend.

i have successfully managed to keep away from facebook, blogs etc. well, i didn't exactly 'keep away' from all these, i followed the meherjaan reviews because i couldn't help my curiosity (shame shame!). but well, i didn't participate in anything from that day..although the desire to comment on some absolutely outrageous views (that the blogs and facebook are full of right now) was overwhelming, but i restrained myself..kept myself calm and cool, like a monk from tibet! ...that's progress! and i went to the university and got permission to use the department's library! and i have the theoretical framework for my thesis now! my, that's HUGE progress! although i didn't do anything except this. but this is huge. and huge demands some rest. so i will count the non-productive day (which is today) as rest. tomorrow i'll be back in action. :)

things to do


i. stop browsing other sites, esp. blogs and facebook as it's total waste of time.
ii. stop using the computer when work finishes
iii. stop communicating with friends+acquintances+whoever, as i don't know how to communicate with anyone and end up fucking up every relationship i have.
iv. communication includes facebook+gtalk+skype+phone+going out.

and this at least for one year. good luck to me.

what a totally fucked up person i've become! what the fuck is happening to me? i was always bad in interactions, and i'm becoming worse and worse. i never stop. i am determined to become the most hated person in this whole world, and i won't stop till i succeed. i hate myself. more than ever before.

i'm losing it completely. i trust people i shouldn't trust, i plan my life depending on other's plans, i fall in love with someone who doesn't care, my whole life is a mess. and i try to fix other people's relationships. what an irony! i'm angry all the time. at myself, at the world. and i don't know what to do. but i've had these realizations a thousand times before, and i think this blog is overloaded with this kind of childish outbursts of these realizations. but that doesn't make me stop pouring a little more down into my glass full of whinings.

well, i don't know. i should get into a 'fix it' mode as soon as possible. the whole thing is in shambles and i shouldn't let myself go on like this anymore. i mean, i know what i am, may be i don't like what i am, but it's still me, and i have to live with that. right now, i have loads of backlogs, work, thesis, and i do nothing except for sleeping and smoking all day thinking about something i should not. arrrrgh! i need to stop this. right now. from today i will be a determined person. who knows what to do. who doesn't waste her time daydreaming all day. all focused and confident. hmm.

yeah, right!

i'm getting too much angry these days over silly things. these days = last couple of days, still continuing. in fact anger is not the right word, it's this rage over everything i see...it quite amazes me sometimes. a girl gets shot on the border by indian border guards, i feel sad and a bit angry. but i have this hulk like anger when i see all the neo-intellectuals posting all kinds of oh-i'm-so-angry-at-the-indian-government stuffs. it's been going on for quite a while now. indian border guards like shooting our people. if we were a bigger economy than india, we would've shot indian people illegally crossing the border. it's happening all over the world, and nothing can be done about it. so why shed these crocodile tears? this time everybody was concerned, as it was a girl. as if girls getting shot is a different thing altogether. come on people, you are writing this while bollywood stars are dancing on your tv, hindi songs blaring from your speakers, and one block from your road, a 'gaye-holud' program is going on where a 10 year old is dancing to some not-so-children-friendly song from a hindi movie. hypocrites! today was another day. woke up, and found out a report by daily star which shows how a teacher works in the field to feed his family. why does he do this? because the madrasa he works in is not approved by the government, so they don't get any allowance from the government, and thus, no salary. oh dear! what a catastrophe! my facebook homepage is flooded with that link, some angry comments, some frustration over the country, and blog links where our intellectuals are oh-so-anxious about our 'system'. gawd! we are all worried about the system! we all know the system is shit. please please say something newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! wow, new has 'ew' inbuilt in it. never noticed.

writing a blog now was a bad idea. writing anything is a bad idea with all this rage inside me. logic doesn't work when you're angry. but why the hell am i so angry? i don't know. i wish i was hulk, i think wrecking a dozen of buildings and hundreds of cars would kind of make me feel better.

gone

my wallet got stolen last night. that is not the most interesting thing that happened yesterday though. what was more interesting is what i felt afterward. i had a few 500 tk notes in it, my bank card and some old tickets and receipts i kept just for the sake of memories. all are gone along with the wallet that sharmee gave me. i had reasons to feel bad. but i didn't feel bad. the first thing that occurred in my mind was the hope, the hope of recovering from this terrible sadness that i'm living with these days because of my stupid 'prem'. this is happening quite often, something unusual happens and i think, yes, this will make me forget all the pain. but it never does. and the fact that it never does makes me more sad. how sad is that?

so i will be keeping my money all crumpled in the small pocket of my bag from now on. somebody once was amused at how all my notes stay perfectly straight. i wish i could show him my wrinkled notes now. i guess he wouldn't care. and even if he would, i don't think i'll ever see him again. what a pity!

heart. hurt. heart.

i am in love with noah and the whales. in love with charlie fink would be more appropriate. i am totally heart-broken right now, and it hurts really bad. last time this happened was back when i was a teenager. it's not that my heart never got broken in the meantime, but it never hurt this bad. i was frustrated, depressed and all that, but this time the hurt is too much to make me depressed. it's like a wound i carry around everywhere, trying hard to ignore it all day. and this teenage feeling is bringing back all the the memories, the bittersweet scattered bits of my terrible years, but it doesn't seem so terrible now. it's like 80% dark chocolate, the acute bitterness is there, but still, you like it because of the wonderful smell of chocolate and the tiny bit of sweetness that comes as an aftertaste.

let's go back to where i started. yes, i am in love with charlie fink. this guy was heart broken but he channelled his sorrow to creating an album, which is going to be one of my most loved albums of all time. it has got heart break and hurt written all over it, but somehow it doesn't make you depressed, it makes you sad. a feeling i had long forgotten.

'i don't think that it's the end, but i know we can't keep going'

the sadness 'blue skies are coming, but i know that it's hard'. the desperation 'i need your light in my life....i'll do anything to be on your side, i'll be anyone to be at your side'... the hope 'but i'll be laughing oh again'.....but then despair comes back again

'i've been looking for hope these days,
but love's not finding me,
but now my hearts been broken there's nothing you can do,
i'm impenetrable to pain,
oh you can't break my broken heart,
oh no, you can't break my broken heart'

how can somebody write such beautiful words? 'oh no, you can't break my broken heart'. i feel like giving the guy a hug. the track 'love of an orchestra' makes me want to dance all around wherever i am. 'i know i'll never be lonely, i've got songs in my blood'... :D

'if you gotta run, run from hope'

'i know in a year it's gonna be better, i know in a year i'm gonna be happy', like an auto-suggestion it's repeated several times, then 'a song for anyone with a broken heart', saying 'it's time to leave those feelings behind'...

'this is the last song that i write while still in love with you, this is the last song that i write while you're even on my mind'...

and lastly

'well you have only let me down
you have only let me down
but my door is always open
yeah my door is always open


well i love with my heart and i hold it in my hands
but you know, my heart's not yours...'


winter makes me nostalgic. and being broken to pieces in winter, well, it's sweet! and terribly sad. and i'm in love with music again. just like i was back then.

i don't know why but i feel like i'm 16 again, this entry is a proof of that. i don't think i have written anything this sappy and corny since i was in class 9. haha. well it's better to make a fool of myself here in this stupid blog than anywhere else.

bang bang...my baby shot me down

new year started with a bang. started the morning with the age old problem of control freak parents, ended with the allegation that i have the 'facade of being a fighter'. i thought i was a fighter alright. i may not be better than all of the people i know in this world, but i don't believe that i'm worse than them either. i'm just one of them. with loads of flaws, and may be with a couple of virtues as well. but how come i have only a 'facade' of a fighter? am i not in a constant fight with myself? yes, i lose most of the time. but that doesn't make me any less of a fighter, does it? i mean, i don't even believe in winning! yes i'm a depressive by nature, a pessimist...but can't a pessimist be a fighter? i think it's possible. at least i don't hurt anyone, knowingly. i felt like crying, but i didn't, i fought back the tears, haha, there goes a fight! no, seriously, why do i keep talking to people who make me feel like shit? and they hurt me deliberately i think. may be i'm a masochist. whatever, i still am a fighter. yes, i prefer to avoid some problems rather than facing them...but that's because it's better that way and i don't want to hurt anybody. say my parents, i guess i can go and talk to them, that would be 'fighting' in the real sense i guess, but i have to refrain from that because i know that if i do that it's gonna make the situation worse. they won't understand, it will be like me hurting them and they hurting me back...well, mortal combat is not my idea of fighting. for some people it is i guess. facing the problem is the real fight they think. so it is their problem then, not mine. they are being judgemental of me and it is bullshit whatever they're saying, and i don't put up with bullshit. but i feel sad. it's quite upsetting when somebody you really like hurts you. i could never do that. may be that is his definition of fighting. he says something rude to you, you say something back...and somehow find pleasure out of it? well, that's how they deal with life i think. deal with the pressure of conjugal life and 'child raising', and if the others have a different idea of partnership and raising a child, they despise them. hmm, that's their way to make their miserable life meaningful. i, on the other hand, accept the fact that life is miserable, laugh at it, and just move on. i don't really disrespect their way of dealing with life, so why do they disrespect mine? anything different and doesn't match with your idea of a perfect life is despising? man, please grow up!



i think i've had enough. i need to stop this right here and now. i need to concentrate on myself. i have realized the more i would see people, people are going to be nasty and judgemental always. i have real friends, who know my true self, and love me despite the thousands of faults that i have in me. i never cared about what people thought of me, but these days i was, and that kind of changed me into something i don't like. i'm gonna be my old self again, who didn't care what people said about her, who didn't have to put up with bullshit because she never bothered to talk to people who bullshit. yes, i'm gonna be the old me again. and this is my new years resolution.