right now reading 'sleep' by murakami. it's about a woman who can't sleep. but she is not fatigued, not sleeping has somehow made her more energetic and 'young-looking', quite the opposite effect of not having sleep. basically it's about how mechanical (in fact, the character does say that she feels like a 'machine') life can be for a housewife belonging to a well-to-do nucleur family. a story about boredom! the way murakami dealt with this boring plot....i think he's a magician!

anyways, i envy this woman. i want to lose sleep, and not feel the least fatigued. i could get so much work done that way!

i'm smoking too much. i was thinking, if i have cancer now, what's gonna happen? i don't have any family and i don't expect much from my friends. and anyways, cancer is cancer. i have no intention of going through endless chemotherapy and medication just to be alive. i wish i could afford that thing in switzerland where they help you commit suicide. (haha, that sounds so weird!). well, it is legal there, committing suicide if you don't want to live. i guess you have got to have a proper reason for it. i read about it once. they will give you something to drink, it'll taste nice, not the kind of thing that will make you twitch your face like they show in the movies. and then after 15 minutes or so, you'll die, peacefully! ah, the thought of a peaceful death brings a smile to my face. but i can't afford it. it costs a lot (around 5000 euros!). what kind of a world do we live in? you want to die peacefully? PAY for it! goddamn corporates!

got to see meherjaan. apparently it has disregarded the 'emotions' of the bangali people. we are a very emotional nation. from the sound and look of it, it seems like a hell of a boring movie. but i have to see it now as my head is bursting with so much information about the yet unseen movie, and mostly because so many people are joining forces to ban the movie (yes, they are talking about 'banning' it!). planning to watch it this weekend.

i have successfully managed to keep away from facebook, blogs etc. well, i didn't exactly 'keep away' from all these, i followed the meherjaan reviews because i couldn't help my curiosity (shame shame!). but well, i didn't participate in anything from that day..although the desire to comment on some absolutely outrageous views (that the blogs and facebook are full of right now) was overwhelming, but i restrained myself..kept myself calm and cool, like a monk from tibet! ...that's progress! and i went to the university and got permission to use the department's library! and i have the theoretical framework for my thesis now! my, that's HUGE progress! although i didn't do anything except this. but this is huge. and huge demands some rest. so i will count the non-productive day (which is today) as rest. tomorrow i'll be back in action. :)

things to do


i. stop browsing other sites, esp. blogs and facebook as it's total waste of time.
ii. stop using the computer when work finishes
iii. stop communicating with friends+acquintances+whoever, as i don't know how to communicate with anyone and end up fucking up every relationship i have.
iv. communication includes facebook+gtalk+skype+phone+going out.

and this at least for one year. good luck to me.

what a totally fucked up person i've become! what the fuck is happening to me? i was always bad in interactions, and i'm becoming worse and worse. i never stop. i am determined to become the most hated person in this whole world, and i won't stop till i succeed. i hate myself. more than ever before.

i'm losing it completely. i trust people i shouldn't trust, i plan my life depending on other's plans, i fall in love with someone who doesn't care, my whole life is a mess. and i try to fix other people's relationships. what an irony! i'm angry all the time. at myself, at the world. and i don't know what to do. but i've had these realizations a thousand times before, and i think this blog is overloaded with this kind of childish outbursts of these realizations. but that doesn't make me stop pouring a little more down into my glass full of whinings.

well, i don't know. i should get into a 'fix it' mode as soon as possible. the whole thing is in shambles and i shouldn't let myself go on like this anymore. i mean, i know what i am, may be i don't like what i am, but it's still me, and i have to live with that. right now, i have loads of backlogs, work, thesis, and i do nothing except for sleeping and smoking all day thinking about something i should not. arrrrgh! i need to stop this. right now. from today i will be a determined person. who knows what to do. who doesn't waste her time daydreaming all day. all focused and confident. hmm.

yeah, right!

i'm getting too much angry these days over silly things. these days = last couple of days, still continuing. in fact anger is not the right word, it's this rage over everything i see...it quite amazes me sometimes. a girl gets shot on the border by indian border guards, i feel sad and a bit angry. but i have this hulk like anger when i see all the neo-intellectuals posting all kinds of oh-i'm-so-angry-at-the-indian-government stuffs. it's been going on for quite a while now. indian border guards like shooting our people. if we were a bigger economy than india, we would've shot indian people illegally crossing the border. it's happening all over the world, and nothing can be done about it. so why shed these crocodile tears? this time everybody was concerned, as it was a girl. as if girls getting shot is a different thing altogether. come on people, you are writing this while bollywood stars are dancing on your tv, hindi songs blaring from your speakers, and one block from your road, a 'gaye-holud' program is going on where a 10 year old is dancing to some not-so-children-friendly song from a hindi movie. hypocrites! today was another day. woke up, and found out a report by daily star which shows how a teacher works in the field to feed his family. why does he do this? because the madrasa he works in is not approved by the government, so they don't get any allowance from the government, and thus, no salary. oh dear! what a catastrophe! my facebook homepage is flooded with that link, some angry comments, some frustration over the country, and blog links where our intellectuals are oh-so-anxious about our 'system'. gawd! we are all worried about the system! we all know the system is shit. please please say something newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! wow, new has 'ew' inbuilt in it. never noticed.

writing a blog now was a bad idea. writing anything is a bad idea with all this rage inside me. logic doesn't work when you're angry. but why the hell am i so angry? i don't know. i wish i was hulk, i think wrecking a dozen of buildings and hundreds of cars would kind of make me feel better.

gone

my wallet got stolen last night. that is not the most interesting thing that happened yesterday though. what was more interesting is what i felt afterward. i had a few 500 tk notes in it, my bank card and some old tickets and receipts i kept just for the sake of memories. all are gone along with the wallet that sharmee gave me. i had reasons to feel bad. but i didn't feel bad. the first thing that occurred in my mind was the hope, the hope of recovering from this terrible sadness that i'm living with these days because of my stupid 'prem'. this is happening quite often, something unusual happens and i think, yes, this will make me forget all the pain. but it never does. and the fact that it never does makes me more sad. how sad is that?

so i will be keeping my money all crumpled in the small pocket of my bag from now on. somebody once was amused at how all my notes stay perfectly straight. i wish i could show him my wrinkled notes now. i guess he wouldn't care. and even if he would, i don't think i'll ever see him again. what a pity!

heart. hurt. heart.

i am in love with noah and the whales. in love with charlie fink would be more appropriate. i am totally heart-broken right now, and it hurts really bad. last time this happened was back when i was a teenager. it's not that my heart never got broken in the meantime, but it never hurt this bad. i was frustrated, depressed and all that, but this time the hurt is too much to make me depressed. it's like a wound i carry around everywhere, trying hard to ignore it all day. and this teenage feeling is bringing back all the the memories, the bittersweet scattered bits of my terrible years, but it doesn't seem so terrible now. it's like 80% dark chocolate, the acute bitterness is there, but still, you like it because of the wonderful smell of chocolate and the tiny bit of sweetness that comes as an aftertaste.

let's go back to where i started. yes, i am in love with charlie fink. this guy was heart broken but he channelled his sorrow to creating an album, which is going to be one of my most loved albums of all time. it has got heart break and hurt written all over it, but somehow it doesn't make you depressed, it makes you sad. a feeling i had long forgotten.

'i don't think that it's the end, but i know we can't keep going'

the sadness 'blue skies are coming, but i know that it's hard'. the desperation 'i need your light in my life....i'll do anything to be on your side, i'll be anyone to be at your side'... the hope 'but i'll be laughing oh again'.....but then despair comes back again

'i've been looking for hope these days,
but love's not finding me,
but now my hearts been broken there's nothing you can do,
i'm impenetrable to pain,
oh you can't break my broken heart,
oh no, you can't break my broken heart'

how can somebody write such beautiful words? 'oh no, you can't break my broken heart'. i feel like giving the guy a hug. the track 'love of an orchestra' makes me want to dance all around wherever i am. 'i know i'll never be lonely, i've got songs in my blood'... :D

'if you gotta run, run from hope'

'i know in a year it's gonna be better, i know in a year i'm gonna be happy', like an auto-suggestion it's repeated several times, then 'a song for anyone with a broken heart', saying 'it's time to leave those feelings behind'...

'this is the last song that i write while still in love with you, this is the last song that i write while you're even on my mind'...

and lastly

'well you have only let me down
you have only let me down
but my door is always open
yeah my door is always open


well i love with my heart and i hold it in my hands
but you know, my heart's not yours...'


winter makes me nostalgic. and being broken to pieces in winter, well, it's sweet! and terribly sad. and i'm in love with music again. just like i was back then.

i don't know why but i feel like i'm 16 again, this entry is a proof of that. i don't think i have written anything this sappy and corny since i was in class 9. haha. well it's better to make a fool of myself here in this stupid blog than anywhere else.

bang bang...my baby shot me down

new year started with a bang. started the morning with the age old problem of control freak parents, ended with the allegation that i have the 'facade of being a fighter'. i thought i was a fighter alright. i may not be better than all of the people i know in this world, but i don't believe that i'm worse than them either. i'm just one of them. with loads of flaws, and may be with a couple of virtues as well. but how come i have only a 'facade' of a fighter? am i not in a constant fight with myself? yes, i lose most of the time. but that doesn't make me any less of a fighter, does it? i mean, i don't even believe in winning! yes i'm a depressive by nature, a pessimist...but can't a pessimist be a fighter? i think it's possible. at least i don't hurt anyone, knowingly. i felt like crying, but i didn't, i fought back the tears, haha, there goes a fight! no, seriously, why do i keep talking to people who make me feel like shit? and they hurt me deliberately i think. may be i'm a masochist. whatever, i still am a fighter. yes, i prefer to avoid some problems rather than facing them...but that's because it's better that way and i don't want to hurt anybody. say my parents, i guess i can go and talk to them, that would be 'fighting' in the real sense i guess, but i have to refrain from that because i know that if i do that it's gonna make the situation worse. they won't understand, it will be like me hurting them and they hurting me back...well, mortal combat is not my idea of fighting. for some people it is i guess. facing the problem is the real fight they think. so it is their problem then, not mine. they are being judgemental of me and it is bullshit whatever they're saying, and i don't put up with bullshit. but i feel sad. it's quite upsetting when somebody you really like hurts you. i could never do that. may be that is his definition of fighting. he says something rude to you, you say something back...and somehow find pleasure out of it? well, that's how they deal with life i think. deal with the pressure of conjugal life and 'child raising', and if the others have a different idea of partnership and raising a child, they despise them. hmm, that's their way to make their miserable life meaningful. i, on the other hand, accept the fact that life is miserable, laugh at it, and just move on. i don't really disrespect their way of dealing with life, so why do they disrespect mine? anything different and doesn't match with your idea of a perfect life is despising? man, please grow up!



i think i've had enough. i need to stop this right here and now. i need to concentrate on myself. i have realized the more i would see people, people are going to be nasty and judgemental always. i have real friends, who know my true self, and love me despite the thousands of faults that i have in me. i never cared about what people thought of me, but these days i was, and that kind of changed me into something i don't like. i'm gonna be my old self again, who didn't care what people said about her, who didn't have to put up with bullshit because she never bothered to talk to people who bullshit. yes, i'm gonna be the old me again. and this is my new years resolution.