incapabilities, justifications & self-hatred

is there anything in this world that im capable of? i cant be a good friend, i cant be a good partner, i cant be a good daughter, or sister, or anything that my mind can think of. and what makes it worse, i try to justify all my incapabilities all the time. may be thats why i cant make people stay with me for long. i bug them, try to draw sympathy from them, try to find a scapegoat all the time to show them somebody or something else is to blame, till people get pissed off and give me the 'i dont give a fuck' attitude. well, i deserve it. im such a miserable asshole. whats the use of a miserable and pathetic person to live, who doesnt have the capability to do anything other than complaining all the time? god, i hate myself so much...i wish i could kill myself...thinking about that gives me kind of a sadistic satisfaction,,,but no, im not capable of doing that also!

psycho-pathetic!

am i a psychopath? i donno...but sometimes i do think like a psychopath i guess. we (me and vashkar) were on the way back home yesterday night, i was feeling a little insecured...most probably because the taxi driver made a call to someone just after we got in...and my mind went wild wondering what-not that could happen to us...i imagined some guy forcefully getting in the car, taking everything from us, and throwing us into the road afterwards! well, i could be relieved if my weird cranky mind stopped just there,,,but hell no! then i went on imagining vashkar being driven over by a bus,,,me seconds away from another...seeing and hearing his bones crack...all bloody and messy and realizing the same fate is waiting for me...god!..i was almost near tears then..thinking about our lives ending in that way...thinking how lonely and terribly unbearable life would be if i get to live now that vashkar has died such a horrible death...thinking how i wont be able to forget this moment ever in my life...to see vashkar like this...dying before my eyes...bathed in his own blood..

and then when my eyes are starting to get wet because of my hypothetical misery...i come back to this earth...yes, vashkar is safe beside me...holding my hands...looking out of the window watching the rain. i grab his hands tighter and thank allah-god-myself-mycrankyimagination-mycrookedmind-orwhatsoever that he's safe. morbidity at it's best, i call it!

i think im on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

my annoyance (with myself)

i am turning into a no-life machine day by day. when you are into a work-hour based job, it kind of kills your inside slowly,,,well, may be its not true for everybody, but it is surely for me. i am taking only one day off for weekend now...and most of the time that 'weekend' turns into a sleeping spree, because i feel damn tired after 6 days at office from 8 till 8 in the night. i dont come to the office at 8 of course, but i do wake up at 7,,, an hour goes to getting ready, another goes waiting for a transport, and finally, another one in traffic...and after working your ass off, at the end of the month, you find out that it was not enough! others have given far more hours than you...well, that makes me wonder, how could i give more hours? its not like they demand that you do more than you are supposed to do...but when your workmates are always giving more hours than you are giving, it puts a tremendous pressure on your mind...wait a minute, why am i saying 'you',,,it is ME who is facing it..nobody else is. well,,why should the others feel anything about it..they are not having any problem putting in hours. i wonder why i am always lagging behind everybody...and still, i cant have any time to call my own...i wake up at 7, reach home half-sleeping at 10...dinner at 11 (when vashkar calls me up)...then straight to bed at 11.30 or so thinking that anyhow i have to manage to go to the office by 9.30 tomorrow because otherwise i wont be able to make up my monthly target hours! saturdays i wake up at 11/12 or sometimes even at 1 o'clock noon...and afterwards i feel so tired that i spend the day just lying in bed,, like a patient...well that reminds me of prufrock!


i have decided to leave this job. decided that hour based job is not exactly my type of work...i dont have much complain about anybody or anything,,,i just dont fit in this type of work, thats it. the problem is, however bigger my plan to leave the current job and getting a new one is, i dont prepare a cv, and i dont plan to drop it somewhere...i just dream about it, and make big plans for the happy future. well, that sounds just like me, a miserable lazy ass, to be precise.