rain rain go away, come again another day..

i stand here on the bus stop. number 4 would be here after 50 minutes the led display says. i calculate the time it would take to walk to my destination. 20 minutes? 15? or may be 25, who knows? i look at the rain, feel the chilly wind in my face, rub my numb hands together in a futile effort to make them warm, and think. should i walk for 25 minutes with a flimsy umbrella, or should i wait 50 minutes for a bus back home? ok, i have managed to stand here for 10 minutes already. so it's 40 minutes till the bus comes. may be i should wait for the bus. i can't really walk home in this rain, can i? but, i'm freezing here. walking would make me somewhat warm. but there's this terrible rain and wind. my delicate brolly can't possibly take the blow from this strong wind. last thing i want is to stand in the middle of a road, with a broken umbrella, in pouring rain, in this mindnumbing cold, thinking what to do. but hey, wait for the bus for 40 minutes? i'll freeze to death here in the bus stop. oh, wait, another 5 minutes gone, so it's 35 minutes now. i think i should keep the coins at hand so that i don't have to search through my bag for my purse keeping everyone waiting for hours. but it's raining, and the bus stop is packed. so i have a hard time finding the damn purse in my bag, and after i find it, i have a hard time finding the coins in it. the purse is so fucking heavy. why do these people have so many coins? my drawer is full of coins. can't open the top drawer without making a lot of jingle jangle noise. hmm, so i have the coins in my pocket now. it's 25 minutes of waiting now. not bad. but i still think i should walk. another 25 minutes? i won't survive. may be if i can somehow keep the umbrella (ella, ella, eh, eh, eh!) facing towards the wind, it won't collapse. and i can always stand under some shade if it breaks down. but, what if this rain never stops? i'll get soaked to the bones, and catch pneumonia. can't risk that. haven't registered with the gp yet. oh, there's another thing that needs to be done. register with the gp. oh another 5 minutes gone. but it's still 20 minutes. dhuro! let's hit the road!

contemplation after reaching home : 30 minutes of standing in the bus stop, freezing. 20 minutes of walking back home, freezing. cool! i saved 10 minutes and 1.20 pounds! all gains! i have a cold, sore throat and my coat gained a lot of rain! cool indeed!

no weekend. came to work. last one hour work update: nil. reading this instead and indulging in nostalgia. somebody wrote about butter bun, they don't make those heavenly things anymore. i miss sheba prokashoni. and thakurmar jhuli. and i miss that old man who gave me huge amount of tamarinds for the 10p coin that i found on the road. and the 1 tk singara and samosa that we used to have during tiffin breaks. 1tk hideously green ice-cream but delicious nonetheless. tipsy (!) orange drink (didn't know the meaning of tipsy then :S, what a name for an orange drink!). i even miss my gaaner khata, so many notes noted down, favorite song was "phule phule dhole dhole", the easiest of the lot. miss that "tana veranda" up on the 4th floor, electricity gone out, in the full moon my father humming "purono shei diner kotha".. miss going to school, i miss having no friends, loneliness at that age is something else altogether. and my imaginary friends. oh, i forgot "tiktikir dim", :) i don't know if these exist anymore. those little round candies had a tiny black thing inside the sugar coating. they came in so many colors too! we used to play with them first, like marbles, and ate them afterwards (doesn't sound that hygienic, but i guess we didn't care back then!). compasses that i used to lose every month, pencils, bunking classes, the hujur that used to come every afternoon and snored while we droned on the unfathomable arabic language, which we could so easily read not understanding a word. world music, this one quite later, i still remember munia from monipuripara, that girl used to send 2/3 mails every week! i wonder where she is now. is world music in bangladesh betar still there? don't know. with all these fm radios with their sizzling djs all so hot and flashy and fake, the chance of survival for my good old world music is quite low i suppose. and movie of the week. knight rider, mcgyver, thunder cats, teenage mutant ninja turtles, perfect strangers, care bears, tom and jerry, alice in wonderland...the list goes on and on. ah 80's btv, how i loved you!

but what i mostly miss is the colorful books from beijing publications (they wrote "peiching") and raduga publications or some other publications from china and russia. they were my treat from my parents after i finished every exam. i don't remember how many i had. i have lost them all.

i'm so glad i grew up in the 80's. i am almost in tears :S. bura hoye gesi :(.

i feel left out and i miss my friends.

errrr

i'm in love with darcy! or colin firth, to be exact.. :P

no updates from my world except everything is dysfunctional. but that is nothing new.

talked to sharmee a couple of days ago, and because of that i miss her more. the fact she'll be off to the states again soon after coming back doesn't help either. but i'm happy for her. i've never seen her more cheerful.

tuhi went and came back from london. she brought me two books, "the little prince" and "the diving bell and the butterfly". but it will be sometime i start reading those cause i have a long queue of books waiting to be read. i finished "memoirs of a geisha". it was ok. the writing style was somewhat japanese (!), but once you imagine it being narrated by a japanese geisha it's alright. but it was NOT written by a japanese geisha. it was written by an american. and as i found out later, you could surely doubt some of the cultural references (as the geisha on whose statements the book is based, declared it as misrepresented). but doesn't matter, it wasn't a waste of time.

i've started nick hornby's "a long way down". this guy is quite something. i went to the british council library to be a member again so that i could borrow his books :S. apart from nick hornby, i can borrow dvd's as i'm a general member now :). but the pathetic thing is, you could never find the movie you are looking for. they are always out. and those dvd's are stacked into a hideous corner, where two people can scarcely stand and browse, and organized in a manner which beats my disorganization. spending an hour looking for the movie you want, your eyes hurting, you head aching, all you want to do is shout some swear words addressing the management, but you can't even do that as you are in a library. libraries are all shhh shhh. pathetic!

all clients and colleagues, and no play makes me a dull girl. well, i'm already a dull girl. hmm. wonder where my glass-half-full attitude has gone. arrrghhh, i want, no, i NEED a break.

28!

i was quite upset on my birthday this year. it suddenly occurred to me that i have turned 28. i was quite dumbfounded by the discovery. i passed the first and second week of this month in a terribly cranky mood. this didn't happen last year or the years before that. i think 27 didn't seem that a big number to me! 28 is old! though half of my hair has turned to gray (which is unnatural for a 28 year old by the way :P), i feel like a 20 year old still. i guess that's why it struck me that 30 is only two years away. i won't be in my 20's anymore. i wandered confused and frustrated for two weeks. then somehow, i got used to the 28 year old tag of mine. i think everyone does after a while. i never thought that birthdays would matter, that age would be a factor determining the way i am. but it does in a way. my turning 28 has reminded me that more than half of my life has past, and i'm still where i was 7 years ago. looking around, i see happy, successful people all around me, who knows what to do with their lives; and here i am, 28 years old, only two years away from the number 30, lost, confused, frustrated, without any clue how to deal with this thing called life!

god, i feel depressed again!

ode to a subcuteneous swelling!

i said goodbye to a part of me last thursday. it's been there for years, don't remember from when. but i do remember telling my classmates in school that it was some kind of a communication module with which i contacted my fellow aliens from outer space :P (well, quite a few of them believed me too!). and growing up, i don't know how many times i rolled up my sleeve to let people touch it, just to see their horrid-amazed-terrified-surprized-shocked faces.

the doctor said it was an external object stuck in my left arm for years. my friends thought it was a tumor. i didn't think anything about it up until it was gone. i feel a bit empty. it had been with me for so many years.. it didn't hurt, wasn't visible, didn't give me any trouble whatsoever. i wonder how it will feel after the stitches are gone. i'll run my fingers over it, there will be nothing...

goodbye my notatumoranexternalobject. you will be dearly missed.

these days

so blank, so blank! don't know what to write. i was more than happy today when i talked to sharmee this morning and heard her great news. that girl needed this, god knows she needed this! but oh i miss her so much!

i feel like i'm wasting my time. but at the same time, i don't know how to make it worthwhile. i tried reading, but my mind drifts so much. i tried concentrating on work, but damn the worthlessness of it all! tried to write a simple blog, nothing comes to mind. it's so weird. all of my life, feelings are already written in these few numbers of useless blabbers i call blog entries. i use the same words over and over again, curse life just in the same way, the same boredom's still there, no change! what a catastrophe! no change whatsoever. damn me!

these days everything seems to be changing. i'm happy to see my friends are settling down, getting more and more involved with their lives, family, work. while i feel detached from everything. as days go on, i feel i'm drifting away...more and more from everything. i have such a longing for settling down, i cry for something for granted... but in a way i know that i can never be a settler. involvement attracts me like cobweb attracts flies, but whenever i get involved i'm always afraid of that big black spider who's coming to get me, and i try to break free, and break some hearts and home in the process. the restlessness never stops. it goes on and on like the days that i'm living. pointless and meaningless.

yes i have finished 'life is elsewhere'. and i don't want to describe the experience. i don't want to talk even about the twist at the end of the book. 'life is elsewhere' is a book i will never try to write about.

the book i have started reading recently is 'surely you're joking, mr. feynman'. it's nice, light reading except for the science part :S. i wish i studied science a little more attentively in high school.

vashkar is going to tanguar haor tonight with a photogrpaher group. i am staying at tuhi's place tonight. i know it sounds cool, but i have office tomorrow. i wish i could have a long vacation. everybody in my office is going on vacation and coming back all smiling and happy...and i am here, sulking,, brooding for my not being able to take some days off. this damn job.

another year is here. i think i should jot down some resolutions as everyone else is doing. but not today. the year has just begun. resolutions can wait.