i discovered one thing about me today. i like to be on the move. all the time. there i was, sitting on a cng autorickshaw, the driver trying to beat the speed of light, taking a sharp turn every 3 minutes, and i liked it. i liked the buildings, trees, lightposts, electric poles rushing past me before i could see them properly, i liked the wind that made even my short hair fly everywhere...the force of it in my face, the dust accompanying it which almost blinded me. i liked it all. the reason was, i was going somewhere. it doesn't really matter where, but i was fucking going somewhere! i was on the road...and the road is what mattered. the only thought in my mind was 'i don't want this road to end.' never ever. i want to go on and on and on and on until i'm tired and want to rest a little, then i'd go on moving still. road is where i belong. home is not really for me.

i wish there was a job for me which made me travel all the time. traveling salesman? not in this country, no. probably NGO's are the best bet. but never liked that sector. it would have been easy if i were a boy though, i could get on a bicycle and travel around the country, may be the whole world, and get praised for it too! yikes! i sound all over like that loser teen again. when will that seventeen year old decide to grow up and accept reality? although i don't know why she should grow up, but it looks like she has to sooner or later. grow up, be an asshole like the rest of them, you'll never get hurt. happy happy life. guaranteed. anyways. the end.

once upon a time i used to think about this blog a lot. what should be the perfect template for it, what should be the font size or color, things like these. these days i don't really care. i stopped searching for templates a long time ago, and as i always used my favorite color (i think so, not really sure it's my favorite these days) purple, i stopped thinking about decorating this blog way back. i guess it has to do with being older and wiser. does it really matter what color or background your blog is set to? your life will be as bleak and b&w as ever, always!

lesson learned tonight: you can't make someone happy however hard you try, when that particular person is determined to live in the past, rather than living in the present and be happy with the surroundings he is in. pretending to be happy never works. at least for me, it never does.

i hope nobody, ever, goes through the pain i'm going through right now. this sadness, no one deserves it. no one. ever.

when you're certain that you don't have anything beautiful or even nice to look forward to, from this point on everything in your life will be just the same as it is now...cold, dark, empty, would you care to drag this dead life further? even the saddest man i know is more optimistic than me. i don't know what's wrong with me. am i the most fucked up person in this whole world? so fucked up that i can't dream anymore, dreams feel like they belong to a fenced off territory these days. when i dream, somehow i have the feeling that i'm trespassing. it wasn't like that even a few days ago. it's just when it dawned on me that i'm the most fucked up person i know, i realized that this life is over. my soul is dead, if there was any soul inside me, that is.

i wonder how many people would stay inside just to see if this is the end of his or her shitty existence when that damn earthquake happens.