the world is a fascinating place. as much as i hate to be in it, i have to admit this is a place full of surprises. so many multifaceted characters around, how can anybody get bored, ever! in fact, this world is like the greatest epic ever created, with uncountable characters each with multiple personalities. then why, why do i feel weird to be here? why am i always looking for boredom in a world full of 'interesting-ness'!
another year is here. last year was important for me in many ways. it was a year of self-unemployed status. i am still trying to make ends meet, but i am definitely enjoying not going to office. i hate going to office, office means dealing with people. i do not like dealing with people. full stop to that. 2013 was also the year of my settling down, yes, once again, but this after a very turbulant relationship with a person who has changed my perspective about people in many ways, mostly in bad ways. i was hurt in ways i cannot even explain to my closest friend. settling down was not easy, i love the person i'm with now, but i still feel the worst experience of my life haunting me now and then. and of course it doesn't get easier when you see your friends getting friendly with the person who've hurt you the most. well, as i wrote it down, it means it's bothering me. and if it's bothering me then of course it's my problem. and like the rest of the world, i'm trying to deal with my problem. all the time.
last year was also the year when i let go of the friendship that i cherished the most. i'm good at letting go. i let go of my family, partners, friends. i am a difficult person, even i have trouble understanding me. but ironically, i do not like multifaceted personalities. they amaze me, i feel like i'm caught in a whirlwind, trying my best to understand the why and what of it, but never ever getting it, then being on a guilt trip for not understanding a friend - the whole process leaves me drained. i do not want to look good, i do not want to talk intelligent, i do not want to have many friends - all i ever wanted from this life was to be comfortable with whoever i am, or whichever situation i'm in. when friendship with someone stops being comfortable is there any reason to keep it? so i let go. but isn't letting go supposed to make you feel calm and peaceful? why don't i feel calm and peaceful then? where's my peace? argh!
i think i need to organize myself a little. 'look for the peace within yourself' - that's what they say, right? i need to dive within myself. communicate less, think more. talk less, listen more. that's what i did 3 years back, and i was kind of at peace with myself. and i will try to bring that peace back. in myself. fingers crossed, welcome 2014!
another year is here. last year was important for me in many ways. it was a year of self-unemployed status. i am still trying to make ends meet, but i am definitely enjoying not going to office. i hate going to office, office means dealing with people. i do not like dealing with people. full stop to that. 2013 was also the year of my settling down, yes, once again, but this after a very turbulant relationship with a person who has changed my perspective about people in many ways, mostly in bad ways. i was hurt in ways i cannot even explain to my closest friend. settling down was not easy, i love the person i'm with now, but i still feel the worst experience of my life haunting me now and then. and of course it doesn't get easier when you see your friends getting friendly with the person who've hurt you the most. well, as i wrote it down, it means it's bothering me. and if it's bothering me then of course it's my problem. and like the rest of the world, i'm trying to deal with my problem. all the time.
last year was also the year when i let go of the friendship that i cherished the most. i'm good at letting go. i let go of my family, partners, friends. i am a difficult person, even i have trouble understanding me. but ironically, i do not like multifaceted personalities. they amaze me, i feel like i'm caught in a whirlwind, trying my best to understand the why and what of it, but never ever getting it, then being on a guilt trip for not understanding a friend - the whole process leaves me drained. i do not want to look good, i do not want to talk intelligent, i do not want to have many friends - all i ever wanted from this life was to be comfortable with whoever i am, or whichever situation i'm in. when friendship with someone stops being comfortable is there any reason to keep it? so i let go. but isn't letting go supposed to make you feel calm and peaceful? why don't i feel calm and peaceful then? where's my peace? argh!
i think i need to organize myself a little. 'look for the peace within yourself' - that's what they say, right? i need to dive within myself. communicate less, think more. talk less, listen more. that's what i did 3 years back, and i was kind of at peace with myself. and i will try to bring that peace back. in myself. fingers crossed, welcome 2014!
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