long awaited blues...

dhrubo is in dhaka right now. he left his number in an offline message on my messenger when i was out. it was a couple of days back, and i dont remember how i felt after coming to know that he's finally in bangladesh. i didnt do anything, i mean, i didnt flip out or do a dance or go completely hysterical...i just saved his number on my phone, and called him. talked to him as if he were a friend from the past, not a best friend, just a good friend. then we talked on the messenger for a while, he too, like me, seems not to like to talk on the phone very much. we decided to meet the next day, which was the day before yesterday, when nobody will be home.

what did we do when we first saw each other? nope, we didnt run and hug each other tight, or hold hands, or do anything that we planned in those endless conversations that we had one and a half years ago...we met as if we were two distant friends meeting each other, doing the usual social talk, keeping a safe distance, he joking about my untidiness, me trying to bug him about his going-to-be wife, and so on..

i dont remember how we were lying in each others arms just one hour later...was it me? was it him? who cares anyways? we were there, just as we dreamed a year and a half ago...the difference was back then we thought it'd be forever, but now we know that we belong to two completely separate worlds. i dont know what happened to me, i suddenly wanted it all...almost begging him for more,,, pushing him further and further...and then he couldnt take it anymore and said something that i wont forget for the rest of my life...and that was the moment i realized, he doesnt love me! i dont know if he ever did, i could never know, but i know he doesnt love me now. i didnt cry, nope, haven't shed a drop of tear since then, but something broke inside me just then...something is lost forever...and i dont know if i'll ever be able to get out of this lost feeling...its irreplaceable, its irreparable.

everything went nicely afterwards,,, i told him that i understand his feelings and its ok, and apologized for losing my head, he 'its okay'-ed me back...then we switched back to the social talk again, went out to meet vashkar in his office and had pizza together...we were back to our 'old friends' mode...and it works! in that mode we can communicate...without any guilt or sympathy coming between us...and no shitty love thing of course!

he said he cant love someone who loves another person along with him at the same time. i think he doesnt even believe that such a thing is possible. well, i didnt believe it either until i got caught in this labyrinth. vashkar understands, and he is trying to take everything easy, but i know how hard it is for him. i wish i could erase those two months from my memory forever like they did in that movie. everything will just be perfect then. well, may be. and anyways, thats the same thing i wished while i was having those all-day-all-night-long conversations with dhrubo, erasing the memories of the past. its no use, i cant erase all the memories of the past. nobody can. i have to live with them. life is such a mess sometimes!