i am amazed to see people who like themseleves so much. they are so grateful for just being here, always trying to make the most of what is called life. and the worst thing is, i keep meeting these type of people all the time. i mean, what is there to like about? it's all fucked up. i sometimes feel like shaking them hysterically and shouting 'wake up, life is NOT beautiful, it's shit!'

i feel terrible. i can't work, i can't study. and i'm having serious doubts about my academic ability. i have achieved one realization through this masters - i can't write! i am a terrible writer, i hate whatever shit i write. i can't organize my thoughts. i'm actually scared of writing. i don't understand any kind of jargon, because they are so confusing my gawwwwwwwd! i don't know what to do. i'm not beautiful that i'd get a wealthy husband who'll look after me (not that i'd ever like to have one, it's just an option). and i'm not capable of looking after myself either! i'm shit at studies. and i dont like jobs in banks or in any kind of multinationals corporations. what am i going to do! i hate myself. i could be beautiful, but no, i had to be the ugliest creature i've ever seen. i could be intellgent, but no, i had to be the stupidest person i've ever known (except for my pakistani ex-housemate, i think she beats me to it, but that's no consolation!). aarrgh. i miss my friends. they're all gone. friends all gone is not a nice feeling. i just can't feel like being friends with girls who want to fix me up with a guy from UK so that i don't feel lonely. i mean hello, that's not the sole purpose of friendship! to find your friend a boyfriend. i wish i tried harder for that oklahoma thing. i need sharmee now. i need somebody who'll love me even though i'm so ugly and stupid and who possesses nothing to be loved. i feel another depression coming in. summer doesnt help. and there goes my dissertation. i'm going to end up with a 40% mark overall, and that's worse than no degree at all. i hate myself. why am i so stupid? why? why? why? why can't i write? what's wrong with me? everyone around me is so intelligent. how did i manage to become so dumb? so terribly dumb? and that's why i always go and make a mess of everything. my dumbness is the one to blame. i know it for sure now. well, at least i know myself. yeah, but i hate me!