i haven't felt this down ever in my whole life. as if it was the love of my life. the ethical thing is like a slap on my face. i guess that's why it's bugging me so much. i didn't know it will come to this. is it wrong? i didn't really give any thought about it. i spent so little time on the dissertation so far, it just didn't cross my mind. and i do try to avoid thinking about these things as much as possible. but how did it come this far? i guess i asked for help. but that was a gesture of friendship! stupid me. and my line of ethics and morality was always a bit fuzzy. i don't know. i'm so fucked. i can't do anything or say anything...i'm scared! i feel like killing myself. whenever i thought about killing myself before, i thought about slitting my wrists. because i heard it was the most painless one. but today i was looking for the right way to do that, i found out i need the right kind of blade. otherwise it'll hurt like hell. and also they said something about cutting the right vein, according to them, the process shown in the movies is all wrong. now, how do i find the right vein for gods sake? i was thinking about throwing myself in front of a car or something, but that would be unnecessarily dramatic, and also, i think that car's going to stop just inches from me, and i'll have a hell of a time explaining that to the police. tube would have been a good option. but tube is in london. well i could travel i guess. all the way to london to throw myself on the track. sounds ridiculous. how else? sleeping pills don't work. i can starve myself to death i guess. i haven't eaten anything today, and if i don't eat anything for the whole next month..there's a chance? but i don't know, people survive. i'll end up looking like a starved somalian teenager. one option would be to drown myself. but i could never do that. that's like my worst nightmare, drowning. i hate the idea of not being able to breathe. my asthma is to be blamed for it i guess. but it could be done in a very romantic way, like virginia woolf...i'll collect stones all day, put them in the pockets of my coat, then jump into the canal? but walking around in a coat in this weather doesn't sound very appealing. horrific was sylvia plath's. i still can't understand how she put her head into that oven! it would be like the ultimate torture one can inflict upon oneself. and she was 30, i'm almost her age. i wish i was dead just like that. going to sleep at night, never waking up. that would be the perfect death anybody can wish for. but that's not going to happen though. i have dragged this life for the last 29 years, to a place i hate. and the future's not looking good either. i will drag it for god knows how many years...to nowhere. i wish there was a painless sure way to die. i would love to die tonight.

1 hour or so later...

just thought of another option. blowing your brains off with a gun. this is the most reasonable one. the pain would be the minimum, almost none at all. just a flicker of a second, and there you go! funny this option didn't cross my mind before, i'm reading news about brains blowing all the time. only problem is i don't have a gun. and it's difficult for me to even get one. they say uk has the strictest gun laws...so no hope. wish i was in the usa, getting a gun would be no problem whatsoever there.