down the rabbit's hole

smiles, which create restlessness...two eyes that speak too much, or may be not, it's all my imagination, and i fall deep, like alice, i keep falling, falling, endlessly, but the rabbit doesn't care, it runs and runs, while i keep falling, losing my breath, heart beating faster and faster, my head warns me, i can't go on like this, have to climb up, have to climb up...but there's nothing i can hold on to...and it is cold...so cold it numbs my brains, and i can't think...and i keep falling into the dark...no, i can't let myself go like this, i'm scared of drowning...who knows, may be there's water underneath...and i can't swim...no, i really can't go on like this...but it is so cold and there's nothing to hold on to...and those moments, and these restlessness that i don't know what to do with...do i want to die?...yes? no?...but i don't want to keep falling either...it's terrible, this endless feeling of falling somewhere, to some unknown place i'm scared of...the rabbit is not down there...i know...it's just a void...an eternal darkness, is it hell?...is hell dark?...how can it be with all those fires burning?...and how can it be so cold?...what is it?...where am i falling?...and why am i when i don't want to...yes, i don't want to, i so don't want to...but i can't help it...what is happening to me?...and it's freezing, i should be in bed curled up under the duvet and try to sleep so that this feeling goes away for a few hours...but i'm afraid of waking up...the feeling comes back again...and i don't want to go on anymore...i'm so tired, i can't fight it anymore...is it worth it?...time heals everything they say, may be it will heal this terrible feeling too...but how much time is it going to be?...i'm not a teenager anymore....i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30, i'm 30...and still falling.