bang bang...my baby shot me down

new year started with a bang. started the morning with the age old problem of control freak parents, ended with the allegation that i have the 'facade of being a fighter'. i thought i was a fighter alright. i may not be better than all of the people i know in this world, but i don't believe that i'm worse than them either. i'm just one of them. with loads of flaws, and may be with a couple of virtues as well. but how come i have only a 'facade' of a fighter? am i not in a constant fight with myself? yes, i lose most of the time. but that doesn't make me any less of a fighter, does it? i mean, i don't even believe in winning! yes i'm a depressive by nature, a pessimist...but can't a pessimist be a fighter? i think it's possible. at least i don't hurt anyone, knowingly. i felt like crying, but i didn't, i fought back the tears, haha, there goes a fight! no, seriously, why do i keep talking to people who make me feel like shit? and they hurt me deliberately i think. may be i'm a masochist. whatever, i still am a fighter. yes, i prefer to avoid some problems rather than facing them...but that's because it's better that way and i don't want to hurt anybody. say my parents, i guess i can go and talk to them, that would be 'fighting' in the real sense i guess, but i have to refrain from that because i know that if i do that it's gonna make the situation worse. they won't understand, it will be like me hurting them and they hurting me back...well, mortal combat is not my idea of fighting. for some people it is i guess. facing the problem is the real fight they think. so it is their problem then, not mine. they are being judgemental of me and it is bullshit whatever they're saying, and i don't put up with bullshit. but i feel sad. it's quite upsetting when somebody you really like hurts you. i could never do that. may be that is his definition of fighting. he says something rude to you, you say something back...and somehow find pleasure out of it? well, that's how they deal with life i think. deal with the pressure of conjugal life and 'child raising', and if the others have a different idea of partnership and raising a child, they despise them. hmm, that's their way to make their miserable life meaningful. i, on the other hand, accept the fact that life is miserable, laugh at it, and just move on. i don't really disrespect their way of dealing with life, so why do they disrespect mine? anything different and doesn't match with your idea of a perfect life is despising? man, please grow up!



i think i've had enough. i need to stop this right here and now. i need to concentrate on myself. i have realized the more i would see people, people are going to be nasty and judgemental always. i have real friends, who know my true self, and love me despite the thousands of faults that i have in me. i never cared about what people thought of me, but these days i was, and that kind of changed me into something i don't like. i'm gonna be my old self again, who didn't care what people said about her, who didn't have to put up with bullshit because she never bothered to talk to people who bullshit. yes, i'm gonna be the old me again. and this is my new years resolution.